A Stanza of Heroin

Opiates and I have a history. We were family members, and more often then not, the family member that was preferred to me. Specifically, the opiate of great familial presence was heroin. Heroin took the place of me in my immediate family as a daughter and a sister.  There is a lot of resentment between me and this drug.  Reminders of this drug, and other strong opiates, cause me to revert to a place of trauma and make the holidays really difficult for me to manage in the presence of others.

Well, hey, what are the scientific signs of herion abuse and its effect on users:

Livestrong.com states them as so... "Heroin abuse can cause drastic physical changes in the user. One telltale sign of heroin abuse is the presence of needle marks on the arms, legs or feet. "Nodding out" (appearing to fall asleep suddenly) is a sign of acute heroin intoxication, as are dilated pupils and slurred speech. Changes in weight and sleeping patterns are also common among opiate abusers. 

Some users may neglect personal hygiene and nutrition, causing them to appear disheveled or disoriented. Pale skin and dark circles under the eyes can also signal a heroin abuse problem.

Many users appear lethargic or unmotivated and may have unpredictable mood swings. Cognitive functions like memory and problem-solving are often impaired, which may cause frustration for the user. Symptoms typical of depression, such as loss of interest in hobbies and lowered sex drive, can also signal heroin abuse. Some users report an increased craving for sweets, which may lead to excessive sugar consumption and weight gain.

Heroin users often lose interest in previous friends and hobbies in favor of getting high with fellow addicts. Previously ambitious, self-motivated people may become unmotivated and neglect things like personal hygiene. According to Heroinabuse.us, a decrease in performance, such as a drop in grades or work attendance, can sometimes signal heroin abuse. Financial troubles often lead heroin abusers to request money, food or other forms of assistance from loved ones and may even drive users to commit crimes in order to maintain their habit."

Article Here

 Growing up in the midst of it, I didn't understand the motivations behind drug use and I always wanted to live a life that was separate from the pain and despair that it caused. Thus, I am also grateful that herion allowed me the chance to escape, and grateful that I was placed into foster care at the age of 13.

Serving as a divider between my loved ones and I, herion launched me into exploring the sociological theories or how people interact with culture, economy, and governing structures. From a young age, I debated the place that mind altering substances had in interpersonal and intrapersonal interactions. But it also makes me revert to a child when confronting family or those who have harmed me while on the substance.  Because of my experiences, I never experimented with hard drugs and I will not associate personally with anyone who uses it. 

I feel some poetic attachment with herion.. where I draw my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. 

Podcasts

Road tripping with co-workers is the best.  We did not listen to any music on the way from San Francisco to Eureka, but I was gently introduced to the world of podcasts and audible books.  It is great to listen to technology podcasts instead of having to read about them myself.  These will come especially in handy, because it is looking like my working life will become one that is primarily based around traveling.

Podcasts are a great way to have a lesson in something when you are preoccupied with doing something else, or don't wish to engage with other people.

First Round of Cities

Over the weekend, I had the chance to make my first round of an anticipated many of three great cities with some great company.  Sacramento, Oakland, and San Francisco have so much to offer when it comes to people and opportunities to engage in youth advocacy work.

Pooling on those resources and starting to brainstorm smarter ways to travel, as well as ways to document and organize that travel. Ready. Set. Go.

Before the movie, the book

My ability to devour a book in its entirety in one day is truly a gift sometimes. Albeit, I wish I was slower with some books to truly take in every sentence.  However, i suppose not every sentence has meaning.

A few weeks ago, I was intent on watching The Perks of Being A Wallflower.  This plan failed because of some very unfortunate events, and I choose to wallow in those instead of watching a boot-legged version that my friends and found on the internet.  In the heat of the last few weeks, I forgot about the film. This was until I decided to check out a book club that was reading the perks of being a wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.  Last night, before heading to the roller rink for some down time, I picked the book up from Barnes and Noble.

I AM SO GLAD I DID.  Now, I am excited to see the film interpretation of the book.  Yet, I am fully aware that it will not be the same.

For some reason, I have been dreaming about people I knew in high school lately.  These are never particularly fond dreams, as I was an outcast, especially during my junior and senior years.  Or maybe that was the first time I was able to be vocal about it.  This book sheds light on some of those issues, and how high school can truly be formative years for the development of a person's personality.  High school isn't as profound as college and the course material did not serve to make me an enlightened individual, college did that.  But high school made me realize a lot about people and the social dynamic of people functioning in groups.  I will carry those lessons with me forever.

Making a Relationship Zen

I've heard post-graduation, that life was full of ups, downs, and curves.  The decade between 20 and 30 is a building block.  This year is proving to be a year of challenge and growth.  When I was speaking to one of my mentors on the phone while I was in Salt Lake City, she said, "It doesn't get easier, it just gets different."  2012 has been different, and the latter part of the year has had a specific focus on the relationships in my life.  Relationships with friends, family, and potential lovers.

I feel like I have gone through a cleanse.  It has been painful, and I still struggle and crave the toxic relationships that I had in my life, but I know it is for the better.  Additionally, I find myself spending more time nurturing existing relationships and easing into new ones.  Much of my effort goes into this, but this steady work flow on these relationships seems so much more fulfilling and more stable.

I'm finished with:

• chaotic
• extreme
• unstable
• distrustful
• unsafe

I want powerful bonds that I can trust in; to be sure that the daily effort put in, is resulting in a healthy maintenance, and eventual growth of a bond between two people.

Perhaps this is based off of zen principles.  Approaching my friendships and relationships in this way seems so much cleaner.  We leave a path of communication open based on what is comfortable and there is no jumping back and forth.. and very little clutter.  Then, this allows as to live in that present moment and enjoy it for what it is and what we know each other to be.

We thought we were through...

So any announcements on the horizon, but so little that I am allowed to make or say. :(

Traveling, you thought that you and I were in for a break, but I had both of us fooled.  I may not be one for holding and grasping romantic relationships, however my wanderlust in professional and personal life never ceases to amaze me. This big trip involves a stop in London and then a destination on a continent that I have never been too....

Face it.

The people you surround yourself with are a huge determinant in your happiness.  They can inspire you, hold you back, hold you accountable, or let you linger in your unhappiness.  Choosing the people that bring the best out of you and challenge you to be a better person with every life move that you make will change your perspective and motivate you.

Choose wisely.

Thanksgiving

Giving thanks, and finding what you are thankful for.  I'd rather explore the larger concept of what this day is about than focus on the actual history, which is wrought with colonialism and racism. My own personal history of what this day is traditionally supposed to be and look like is just as painful on a personal level, so sticking with a less traditional way of celebrating has taken the weight off of the negativity associated with the holidays.

This Thanksgiving was the first that I did not feel any pressure to commit myself to any activities or social gatherings.  I was lucky enough to spend the day on the warm beach with a friend enjoying the serenity of being outside. The opportunity to be able to do this is one of the many reasons why I appreciate California.

A Life in Transit

Today, I officially finished my cross-country trip.  At this end, I can say that I gained valuable lessons about driving long distances.. in a short summation.

1. Never drive across the United States of America alone.  It is a horrible idea, for many reasons and reasons that I probably do not even know about.
2.  If you get sick, flu, fever, etc. STOP and rest.  You will only become more ill as you stock up on the miles.
3.  Make sure your cruise control works, otherwise you will be fatigued merely from pressing on the gas.
4.  Watch out for crazy truck drivers.  If you must drive alone, put a life-size stuffed animal in your passenger side seat.
5. And lastly, watch out for poles.  If you back up into something, you will damage your taillight and whatever is on the back of your car.

Birthday Day

Happy Birthday to me!  Today marks year number 23.  When did I get to the point in my mid-twenties that everyone says makes or breaks you?  Well, I guess it is time to buckle up because it is here now.

Since I am usually too busy to plan anything on my birthday, I thought it apt to consider why I do this.  I think its a defensive mechanism I use in case everyone forgets my birthday and doesn't have time for me.  This way I can say that I was too busy to actually organize anything.  The sad thing is, I feel like it is forgotten every year and this is my pathetic way of covering it up.  

My birthdays as a child were a psychological mind play for my mother, so they were never, ever fun.

But as I got older I turned them into games of life..

Like when I was 17 and I decided it would be a great idea to take 2 people I knew and drive from NJ to Ohio on my provisional license to hang out in a shady hotel and check out Oberlin College.

Or when I was 18 and went to a concert in NYC to see my favorite band, got on the opposite train from my best friend, and had forgotten my cell phone in her car.  However, we got to meet the band, free tickets to the show the next night in NJ, and from there blossomed an unhealthy but totally free concert going experience for 2-3 years.

When I was 19 I spent the whole day filling water ballons, a pinata, and buying silly string and had a great freshman dorm party.  Yeah, before the time of the year when everyone hated each other.. or I greatly disliked them.  Pick your poison.

20 was celebrated with a dinner and my roommate showing me I had wasted a lot of time in a friendship.

and thus 21 and 22 were completely under the radar.  I think so much so that they almost made me forget how to celebrate.

So here is to 23, gonna give it a grand go for my birthday twin, Helen.

Whirlwind of travel

In the midst of jumping through the hopes of errands and getting ready to drive cross-country.  Tomorrow is my birthday, unfortunately, I am always so busy that I never really celebrate.  It is looking like that will also be the case tomorrow.  Friday will be a day of packing.

My luggage is still in Italy. :(  And we had a snow storm in Jersey yesterday.  As most people are just beginning to recover from hurricane Sandy, this proved to be really inconvenient. BUT I had the chance to celebrate the progressive movements of the US on election day by watching PBS documentaries.

Furthermore, I find it is exceptionally difficult to blog while having a very quick travel turn around.

What hipsters don't understand about "dumpster diving"..

For today, I am going to ignore the fact that in under 40 hours I will begin traveling back to the U.S. and people will be waking up to prepare to vote in an election where Romney could end up being the next President of the USA.

The first time I heard the term "dumpster diving", I had a negative visceral reaction to it. Immediately, I hated the concept and found it difficult not to judge those who supported it due to their clear ignorance of how their privilege alone allows this to be an activity to be proud of and hold on a pedestal. After holding an event for this at the co-op that I worked in as a staff last year, I feel the same way, if not stronger.

Holding "dumpster diving" in high esteem is like laughing at poverty in the face of millions who suffer directly from the inability to find food on a regular basis because they cannot find work or  job that can adequately sustain the needs of oneself or one's family. Young 20 something adults, or children, go "dumpster diving".  It is a great way to bypass having a high paying job as you travel the world as a young person.  This allows that young person to stretch the money that they receive from their parents, or if they are not that lucky, from the bank account they acquired while in college or working in a start-up tech company for 6 months, for as long as possible in a way that will seem trendy and foreign to those in their friend circle.

Would you say the same for a father of two that has to go through the garbage in NYC to find a meal for his family?  Do you think he would prefer to tell his children that after work he first needs to go "dumpster diving" to find dinner, or he needs to bring them with him so that they can search as many places as possible just to find a meal that will sustain them all?

"Dumpster diving" trivializes the strain that real people, of all races and ethnicities face when they are living in poverty. They do not have classes that teach them which food is safe to eat from which kind of garbage disposal, how long a food can be open to air before it is susceptible to life-threatening bacteria, or how to create a well balanced diet based off of what you find. But people who want to make a hobby of "dumpster diving" do.  

This activity also further stigmatizes those individuals that rely on shifting through garbage for SOMETHING to eat, SOMETHING to piece together to find a semblance of what the average person would call a meal.  "They" are the ones milking everything they can get from welfare and are still behaving like animals on the street, but when young rich people do it it is environmentally friendly and a call for a change in every day behavior.

The last thing I want to say about "dumpster diving" is that it is a choice.  Something that those young people choose to do from their own volition. No external forces are actually forcing them to live this way.  People who live in poverty do not have the luxury of this choice, and it is not a transient phase that they pursue in order to broaden their minds.  They are trying to survive, for that moment, for one more day, and perhaps for a future in which they don't have to struggle.

No one will spit or yell demeaning slogans about poverty to a young person who is clearly "dumpster diving", they have the privilege of economic tourism and the privilege to see this activity as pleasure rather than survival with a deep social stigma.

Oh, the Red Hot Chili Peppers have a power over my soul. A power enhanced by coffee and dark chocolate. Could this be a motivating factor to pack? I hope.

On Tuesday, I am supposed to depart to the U.S. via Milan, Italy.  From which, I will go to my hometown, which is the region hardest hit by Hurricane Sandy.  From the pictures, its hard to really fathom the damage that has been done.  Hopefully, I will get to help out a bit, celebrate my birthday, and then I will make my 3rd cross-country road trip to SF. Woohoo.

Being that I have been bedridden with sickness the past three days, I have nothing to report.  Although, I rather like writing about nebulous topics that induce some sort of inner critic in me.

A wavering line

Part of me has always been an old-fashioned intellectual. Pop culture only infiltrated me as much as a high regard for grunge and alternative rock, with which I could indulge my feelings of angst against an opaque societal vision. Classic literature has always been my favorite read, and I have little appreciation for authors that print a book, or more, a year. This ability to churn out books seems so shallow.  Perhaps I am just fantasizing about an author belaboring over word choice and subtleties in the plot.  But I think it is deeper than that.  Authors that have taken a lifetime to author great works, only to be recognized after their death, had some hesitation to unveil their work to outside eyes.  Maybe they acknowledged the complexity of life and the seeming insipid simplicity of people, and were afraid that their work couldn't capture all they knew about the world and how they related to it. They didn't argue for a one-dimensional perception of the world, and perhaps they felt that their work did just that, and so it went unpublished. I'm pointing this out, because I think now is the first time I ever really understood this.

College blew a lot of my hard-lined thought processes out of the window, but it made me realize that going to far in either direction can be dangerous.  Encouraging polar beliefs, discourages analytical thought. Instead of creating banners to incite aggression or alienation, we should be creating banners that encourage research and intellectual honesty. Then whatever you come to, is your own personal belief.  It doesn't fit in a box, it shouldn't.  Coming to a conclusion about something is finite. People make it finite, but making a conclusion finite cuts us off to what the other people have learned, discovered, and feel.  That is why it is so important to be open. Be open, but be rational about it. Question change, question being stagnant. 

Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye is always the hardest part in leaving somewhere. I know that it isn't a forever goodbye, but I never know when the ebb of my spirit will bring me back, or force me to find a way back.

There is always something so beautiful and sad about an end.  Perhaps, because an end feels like a beginning.  You can see how far you have come since that path began, and the tangible progress amazes you and inspires you to do something more.

The free spirit is calling...

Sexual Violence

Over the years, I never really knew how to describe the personal experience of sexual violence.  Yeah, the political debate rages, and new policies have been put in place over the years.  But where does the gradient of sexual violence begin?  Why do large displays of sexual violence grab our attention, when we aren't discussing the ways that society and the ways that we interact with each other perpetuate instances of sexual violence?

How do you outline the conversation that you would have about sexual violence?

• Perhaps you could first acknowledge that humans are sexual beings: asexual, bi-sexual, gay, lesbian, straight, etc..
• Then that there are various forms of gender identities, which are not predictable based on sexual preference
• What are societal conceptions of sex? Of violence?
• What are your personal boundaries for conceptions of sex and violence?  When you consider them together?
• Do words and gestures have the ability to convey a sense of intrusion into yours/ someone else's sexual lifestyle?

Hmm, I believe that only certain acts of sexual violence should have legal ramifications, I think its important to define what your personal boundaries are so that you can communicate them to others, while being aware that this may be different for other people.

Personally, what is most harmful about sexual violence is the ability it has to depersonalize my moment-to-moment life and leave me powerless to confront the other person.  It makes me feel like an object, devoid of an outlook with which to protest what is happening.

DST

Happy Monday!

As I try to get what I can from the last remains of my computer, I am also trying to squeeze what I can from my last week in Berlin.  This weekend a few friends and I organized a Halloween party.  Some things just fall together so well.  I have always been more of a last minute kind of person, and I find it to be so amazing to how wonderful something can be if you dedicate a few solid hours into it rather than a few here and there spread out over a few days.  Needless to say, I perform well under pressure and it is an amazing motivator.

This morning was the first frost of the season and I was lucky enough to be awake during the end of daylight savings.  Being that the date is different in Germany than in the U.S., it seems that I have mixed up some times for meetings.  The entire EU shifts at the same time, but the North American continent does not, which is something that I never knew.

Phoenixing

It is time to coin a new emotional term, I would like to call it "phoenixing".  This term is different, albeit similar to the concept of resilience.

Resilience infers that one is able to survive through challenging times, and eventually become successful or to not let those situations serve as a permanent impediment. However, phoenixing is different.  It happens after a period of time when you feel stripped of what you had held most valuable, and of aspects of your life that you didn't realize had such a large impact on your stability. It comes when you feel broken.  You know you are burning and standing amidst the ashes of yourself and your life. Suddenly, you are overcome with this powerful sense of individualistic angst.  The pain turns into power and you start to become something similar, but different to what you once were.

An emotionally intense experience, but the most life-changing, that I have had the pleasure of experiencing a few times in my short life.

Things I want to tell people, that I wish people had told me:

• You don’t have to achieve great things by the time you’re 25
• You have intrinsic value above and beyond your perceived utility to other people and society at large. 
• You don’t have to have sex, or have sex in any way that you find uncomfortable or unpleasant, to keep anyone’s love or good opinion of you. They didn’t love you or think very well of you to start with if they demand it. 
• You don’t have to stay with someone who isn’t meeting your emotional or sexual needs because they need you, or you’ve been with them for awhile, or you need to be in a relationship. You need you. Your time is your own and it is finite. 
• It’s ok to work at a job you enjoy that doesn’t make you miserable even if it’s not a career and it won’t “lead to anything.” 
• Your life is not a narrative. It is not leading to anything, there is no overarching thesis, it does not have themes beyond the usual shared cultural experiences of your time and place. This is ok. It does not mean that your life is without purpose or meaning. 
• It’s ok not to like or get along with the vast majority of people you encounter, so long as you afford them the same respect, courtesy and dignity that they afford you. 
• Expensive is not always better. 
• Failure is temporary if you’re still alive. 
• People are both much better and much worse than you’d suspect, but usually not all at once. 
• Stop thinking of your future self as a different person and it will be easier to prevent money and health problems. 
• Let people help you, lean on them when you need to, and be available to help, but don’t swing too far in either direction. Try to carry your half of the life basket as evenly as you can. 
• Set boundaries, and do not be afraid to kick people out of your life who disregard them. You will not end up alone and unloved. People who love you will be ok with your boundaries. 
• Your power does not come from money or beauty, but from seeing life steadily and wholly, from a curious and thoughtful mind, and from your ability to say no when you want to, and yes when you want to, and I don’t know when you don’t know. 
• There will be bad times, maybe lots of bad times, but not only bad times. 
• Love will not heal the wounds in your soul, but love can give you the impetus to begin the work of healing yourself. 
• Life might be a long series of starting over, and that’s alright. 
• You’re really cool, you’re really beautiful, you’re really special. Really. Not to everyone, but to a lot of someones sometimes. 

Articulation

Refocus.  Wouldn't it be amazing to feel the effects of refocusing our everyday speech. As I am watching the Presidential Debate on foreign policy, it is clearly obvious that the verbiage is very focused on words along the lines of death, kill, war, and protect.  Where is peace, community, strength, and cooperation?

Just like in individual psychology, the words used in common communication regarding an issue have the ability to slightly alter the lens in which the situation is viewed, and can have an impact on those involved in the discussion and those listening.  The words we use emphasize what we find is important and noteworthy.  While it is important to be realistic and transparent about negative aspects of life in order to address them and come to terms with them, it is also important to convey a sense a hope and healing when discussing the future.

Cultivating anger, revenge, and malice will only beget this kind of interactions.

I'm not looking for an extreme policy shift, I am realistic here, but I think the U.S. could truly benefit from a language usage shift.

Wanderings

My wanderings took me to the Deutsches Historisches Museum today.  As I began traveling as an adult, I have begun to truly appreciate what museums have to offer.  When I was younger, I never knew quite what to focus my attention on and became bored rather that actively engaging my mind and attention span.  Albeit, after 3 hours my brain was tired and it was time to grab something to eat.  This museum is a place where you could spend multiple hours for a week browsing the contents.

While browsing, I was especially happy because they broadened the exhibit on the DDR until November.  Modern history and the rapid growth of society and how people attempted to adapt to those changes really interests me.

Yet, I can't seem to shake the notion of how biased our history can be.  Going to a museum is interesting and informative, but it should also be supplemented with other reading from other sources.  This is just a skill that should be utilized for productive critical thinking skills in general.

What stuck out to me the most was that the Germans refer to the Treaty of Versailles as the Treaty of Shame. German history, along with much of history, is predominately explained by their engagement in war, and the mobilization of people for the purpose of conflict.  The Treaty of Versailles, a document that limited German military force, was one of the driving forces that allowed political extremes, to the right and left, to take hold of popular opinion in the early 1900's. The Germans look at this treaty as the start of a slippery slope exaggerated by shame that eventually lead to to Hitler's rise to power.

Shame is often used to incite reform, yet over time it has proven to be a factor that only encourages more strife and violence.

What a play on words to convey such a concept.  Well done, well done.

SO..

Here it goes, the big announcement of the day:

Due to some unforeseen circumstances, and my extreme allergic reaction to the cats of the family I am living with,  I will be headed back to the states on November 6th.  Yes, election day and three days before my birthday.

Life is about adventure.  I have had a great time and will continue to have a great time for the remaining two weeks.  However, after some thinking, it will be in my best interest in preparing for law school and focusing on my health to come back to the states.

Alas, I am coming home, but will continue to keep my blog up, because I have found writing to be cathartic and useful for developing my personal thoughts.

Love,
Crys

The Internet, A Positive Haven

One of the most amazing aspects of the internet is the speed at which it enables people to connect with one another.  This also has its pitfalls, but if you use the internet in a strictly positive way it really is amazing what the results can be.  In moments, you can find a blog that reenergizes you or renews your spirit, a forum of people discusses something that interests you, an article that gives well-researched information about a topic that you always wanted to investigate, or a friend that you can find some comfort it.

Like most things, the internet can be as positive as your outlook and your utilization of it.  Utilize it for the positive, and that is what it will yield to you.  Heck, sometimes, when I am in need of some good advice, but my wisest mentors are unavailable, I google search for morale enforcements.

In fact the other day, every time I opened my laptop to use it for something, I made a pledge that I would write someone a kind message over e-mail or facebook.  This made my time intentional, and what I did afterward was filled with the genuine happiness that I felt for letting someone, whom I appreciate and care for, know that I cared for them.

Poverty? Only in India...?!?

Throughout the last two years it seems that the discussion of poverty has come up very often.  Yes, I mean often almost in the sarcastic manner that suggests it took a movement, Occupy, to re-incorporate poverty into the everyday speech of the average American.

Why?

Well, I wouldn't say that Americans are ignorant about the concept of poverty.  If you ever over hear an American speaking about India or developing countries in South America or Africa, I am sure that the term would be thrown about it.  (Please excuse my mass generalizations here, I am just trying to make a point.) However, I would venture to speculate that many Americans would ever want to consider themselves as living in relative poverty.

As someone who studied Sociology with a focus in poverty and inequality I have to hand it to the Occupy movement for introducing the idea that a citizen needs to analyze relative poverty within the country that he/she resides in.  Although, one step of the process was missing in order for this to be a productive conversation.  One needs to research the terms and concepts that he/she is throwing around in discussion in order to make valid arguments that could be the basis for realistic and meaningful change. I found, when listening to people discuss these issues, I was appalled by how much they made up based on what I knew from my studies, and how little I knew after a certain framework of thought.  The reason why this is so shocking is that if frameworks and definitions of poverty are not understood by average citizens, who is going to make the call for reform?

For those of you interested in a basic introduction into the issue of poverty in the U.S. I suggest reading this, which is an overview of poverty thresholds and guidelines for the U.S. developed by the original center for research on poverty at UW-Madison.


Sorry for the flip-flopping nature of my blog.  If anything, this gives an insight into the differences in my patterns of thought.

Cleansing

Holy Crap?!? I am in need of a giant hug right now that will last about 8 hours.. at least, and will allow me to type, edit, and create essays, resumes, and cover letters. (Look at that proper use of the comma within that list leading into yet another list.)

Yes, the most relaxing part of my day may have been discussing how historians have essentially erased sexual violence from Nazi Germany, but hey?!? Tomorrow is a new day...

Maybe in two months from now, I will laugh at my decision to be an au pair after an internship and graduating.  However, at the moment, I'm taken aback by what a young, naive, and rash decision this was. But I guess that is what your 20's are for; discovering your strengths, weaknesses, likes, comforts, slightly stretchable boundaries, no crossing zones, and engaging in thought processes/journeys that would be too risky for a middle age person.

Man, its funny how similar we are even though we aren't talking anymore.  That was one of the hardest friendship break-ups of my life.

After visiting the Roman baths in Trier, and others in previous trips to Italy and Greece, i have come to the conclusion that everyone should have access to big bath tubs because they are conducive to positive mental health.

 And the little Viking for good measure...

Blogging Hiatus

While visiting the Western side of Germany, bordering France and Luxemburg, I took a blogging hiatus for a few reasons...

• I do not have a laptop
• I am currently and have been frequently been chasing or have been chased by my 2 year old second cousin
• When your free time consists of watching Toy Story for the 4rth time in a day, it is difficult to form speech that would not be considered for Woody's character in Toy Story 4

Yes, this week has been full of family time, learning about the military lifestyle (my cousin's husband is in the Air Force), and visiting ancient Roman baths. 

Returning Home A Day Later

Tomorrow I am off to visit my cousin and her family in Trier, which is on the other side of Germany neighboring Luxembourg, France, and the Netherlands.  Perhaps a day trip or two will be in order.  Since my ride on mitfahrgelgenheit fell through, it was up to last minute booking a train ticket in order for this trip to become a reality.

Going out last night turned into a 24 hour adventure.  Exploring the topics of relationships became the main theme. And through going out, bar hopping, brunch making, and trashy tv watching I think we acted out what partners would do with friends.

I watch my facebook feed and I see so many people my age getting married and having children.  Next month, I'll be 23, not in a relationship and with a current status of world wanderer.

I have great friends that I can be a wanderer with, and I would prefer to stay single if I am not in a healthy relationship where I am becoming a better, stronger individual.

Over some time I have decided that these are some things that I want.  I am going to avoid ordering them, because aspects in a relationship have ways of balancing each other, so level of importance falls to the wayside when balance comes into play:

• Someone who respects the passion I have for the work that I do, and is following some sort of passion of their own.
• Forgiveness, and a willingness to talk about the good, bad, and ugly through laughter, tears, and the occasional "Are you kidding me?!" face.  Life is going to have its ups and downs, but if you ignore them they tend to intensify. I work in a field where I confront the difficult, so when someone is not willing to do the same, I am not interested in that kind of unrealistic view of what life is.
• Someone who calls and asks me how I am, even if they know I haven't done anything noteworthy in the last two days.
• Someone who goes out of their way to surprise me with things to show that they are paying attention. ( I read once that a good way to decipher how someone wants to be treated by others, especially in significant relationships, is how they treat the other person.) I do that. 
• An adventurer, either in mind, spirit, or on land. And a listener.
• A sense of hope and honesty that ties everything together and validates the relationship.

However, I may just have to learn to be content to be a working wanderer.

Serbia

My interest in Eastern Europe has only grown since I was a child.  Living in Germany makes it much easier to access in depth news material on Eastern Europe with perspectives of the people who live there.  Routinely, in the U.S. the only news sources that report on Eastern Europe focus on the broad concept that these are countries attempting to integrate more democracy into their governments, or border tensions.  Rarely does one ever hear of the actual human struggles.

This is all leading into...

Serbia's ban on PRIDE, which was intended to be held from September 30th until October 6th.  Due to violence that resulted from anti-PRIDE protesters in 2010, PRIDE was cancelled/banned in 2011 and again this year. The government did not feel obligated to provide protection to those who would gather for the PRIDE events, so they banned them in all of Serbia. Additionally, a Swedish art exhibit entitled Ecce Homo has been surrounded by Riot Police and the Prime Minister of Serbia expressed his disdain for allowing citizens to enter the exhibit, which depicts LGBT-QQ lifestyles in coordination with Jesus Christ.

Although the discrimination against LGBT-QQ individuals in Serbia is disheartening, the LGBT-QQ community has taken great steps to address their rights, and have documented the history of PRIDE.   Supporters in Albania are also lending their voice. Check it out: PRIDE-Belgrade

Reading

When I envisioned this year, I hadn't realized how much reading I would be able to do.  Reading on a regular basis is doing wonders for me.  While in college I was reading all of the time, but they were scheduled readings.  In Berlin, I find myself picking up any book that is in English which has led to some interesting finds.  So far, I have finished 5 books, and it just so happens that the first three were written by Stanford graduates. 

One of the books was written by David Sedaris... which I throw away as soon as I got of the S-Bahn.. about a minute after I finished reading the book.  This is not a usual habit of mine, however I dislike his writing so much that I think no other person should ever be subjected to this material.  I have also gone to a reading done by him and it only confirmed that he has no literary merit as an author. Most of his writing is based on such selfish and embellished material that it is difficult to gain any intellectual stimulation from.  He is an author that people read to feel better about how awful they really are to other people... justifying a degrading sense of humor.

Fail, David Sedaris, fail.

However, I just finished The Informers by Bret Easton Ellis and Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov.  The Informers was a piece about the degradation of L.A. high society in the early 80's when the economic and technology boom just began. Of course it was based on fictitious events regarding sex, drugs, and culture, yet the way the events were described drew the reader into that time frame.  I even felt a sense of depression and void of a purpose for the characters as I was attempting to relate to them.  Overall, a good read if you are looking for that sort of book.

As for Lolita, I am still trying to process how I feel about the subject material and its presentation before I can even think how to critique in any way.

She's my holiday.

These two weeks are fall break for students in Germany, because of this marvelous break in time I had the last two days completely off.

What did I manage to do with myself?  Some routine shopping, coffee, and mingling in the city.  I took the S-Bahn around the entire city for the first time.  There are so many places in Berlin that I never have the need to frequent, or even visit by chance.

Yesterday, I meet up with a group of people from MeetUp (if you don't know what this is and are looking for people to hang out that share the same interests as you, utilize this resource.)

The state of Brandenburg is one of least densely populated states in the whole of Germany, so there is a lot of empty space.  An additional plus to this, is that the towns are very quaint German villages that have very traditional houses and pubs.  If you ever wanted to feel like you were walking through Grimm's fairy tales, this would be the place to go.

Due to this low population, Brandenburg has some great hiking trails.  We decided to go on the Kunsterwandweg Hoher Fläming, which is literally translated to mean the "art hiking way".  Along the 17km trail there are various pieces of art to see and ponder upon on at your own pace.  At the beginning of the walk you make your way through a village entirely dedicated to art, and there are numerous little galleries and cafes designed around this theme.

 Look at that giant stork's nest.

Can you interpret this art?

 We even stopped to pick some apples. :)

Documentaries

One of my biggest quirks, is that when I return home after having a few drinks I always tune into a documentary.  Over the years they have ranged from topics included socialism, communism, philosophic deconstruction of Hegel, photography, fonts, light pollution, human rights abuses in numerous places, meth, crack, cocaine, and cults. Ever since I was a child I have had an obscure fascination with cults and religious sects.  This not because I wanted to join one, but I found the human desire to join such a dogmatic and cut-off community to be very enthralling to my imagination.  How does one choose to cut themselves off from the rest of society, and is there any objectivity left in the human intellect when that decision is made?

Weird right?  Completely worth analyzing.  Obviously, I have always had a curiosity for the off-beat.

I only mention this because I have just finished this Cults Documentary today.  Normally, most of the documentaries that I have seen around the subject use a lot of speech that demonizes all aspects of the cults, and makes membership seem like a decision that any normal person would/could never make.  However, this film gives some neutral perspective (although limited, and contains very strong language and judgements in matters where it cannot be judged for certain whether that is the case or not), which makes cults more understandable and makes them less alien.

For instance, the Peoples Temple Agricultural Project, or Jonestown cult, which originally formed in Indianapolis, Indiana, then moved to San Francisco, California, and then later to Guyana was initiated and maintained on the principle of equality, racial, gender, and economic.  Many, if not most, of the members where devoted to the calling of equality and working for the social good of all man.  In fact, most were unaware of the the future that Jim Jones would bring upon them.

Quite frankly, it seems like an idealistic community gone astray because of one, or a few, misguided desires of man.

In effect, Jim Jones also had a pristine record before the move to Guyana.  Can we say for sure that his motives were always selfish?  If a change in the overall principle for the People's Temple occurred after its creation, when was this?

The members are now victims, but I think it is a perverse notion to think all members of cults are/were enslaved by a psychopathic drive to believe in a doctrine proposing a purpose to life.  Perhaps they were just regular people looking for an alternative to how the mainstream was working and were unfortunate to fall under the leadership of someone who was , or became, too absorbed in a power complex to be able to think rationally.

Leaves.. and wallpaper

One of the less pressing, but more interesting things, on my mind this morning is wondering if it is possible to make wall paper out of real leaves.  Is there a way to seal a layer to prevent decay, or could one layer decay and be replaced as to hold true to the natural process of life?  I've been thinking about this because I seem to collect at least one beautiful leaf that I would like to keep forever every time I go out.

My body is still incredibly sore from the ropes course that I embarked on on Sunday, Waldhochseilgarten, Jungferheide.  Check it out, it is pretty swag.  When I was zip lining and doing the other obstacles I thought to myself that this would be the closest I would ever come to fulfilling my dream of being a woodland pixie. In essence, this brought to fruition a big dream of mine.

There was a point when I first started a red course, and I thought for a moment that I would just give up and start crying in my harness because it was too difficult.  Surely, someone would come and get me.  Fortunately, for my pride, this was a minor lapse in upper body strength and I was able to pull through for the next 45 minutes that I was on that track, and did not need to be removed from the canopy. 

I must admit, one of the biggest motivators to not falling was the pain I felt when the harness caught my weight.  Although I have a few bruises from the course with 10 zip lines in it, I am satisfied with my performance. 

And this is our Spanish speaking friend. 

After awhile, he became a bit too comfortable. 

The time period after graduating from college has such a shifting quality.  Some days, I am complete confident in the choices that I have made for this year, but there are others where I look and myself and think "what were you thinking?"

Yes, I needed this year off in order to put my life into perspective before I made the investment into law school, but was going abroad the best choice?  It makes me feel that I put myself in limbo for a period of time when I could have been establishing a solid footing, and everything was happening so fast that I had to make a fast decision.

Week of Challenges

Consistently testing my will to telephone, complain, redirect, and add constructive meaning to my problems.

As challenges come, I tried to remain calm.  When I tried my old pin number last night at a random EC machine, and 50 Euros were magically mine.  I looked down at my hands as if I was in wonderland.  I then proceeded to Verena's after birthday party, and in combination with my new medication and a cocktail I became the most emotionally charged, flip-floppy person alive.

BUT I managed to make it home safely. Albeit, a chance encounter with aggressive men at McDonald's, when all I really wanted was to use the restroom at 2am.  Which sent me into a feminist critique of why I was frustrated that I had to deal with intoxicated, aggressive men at 2 am when all I wanted was a McDonald's restroom.

Today, I lamented why I have not moved into a tree house yet because I want to the most amazing rope course EVER!  Along with a surprise visit from a Cockatoo, who spoke to our group in Spanish, and took very kindly to one of our members.

Only to miss the rest of what I had to do today, because I was locked out of the house for 3 hours with no phone.  However, I managed to read 100 pages of a new novel in this time, and delve into the characters that lived in a time that had to sit around waiting for people for hours before the time of cell phones, which was me, because obviously my cell phone had died earlier today.

International Hustlin' problems

Due to the fact that I just got a new debit card before I left, and my wire transfer was unable to go through due to a bank holiday in Germany, I am currently left with .53 cents in my wallet. Oh yes, and without access to my credit card mainly because most places in Berlin do not accept them. Yes, I am all for this, but I am still enslaved somewhat to the machine and now have access to only a meager .53 cents... until Monday, which would be perfectly acceptable if I hadn't planned some engagements this weekends.

I don;t know if you know anything about German etiquette, but once you commit to an event, it is somewhat set in stone.

Woohoo for inventive weekends of joy.

 Flipper footprints :)

 After a good day of wandering...

Spoken Word and Rainbows

 “I want you to tell me about every person you’ve ever been in love with. Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you. Tell me about a day in your life you didn’t think you’d live through. Tell me what the word “home” means to you and tell me in a way that I’ll know your mother’s name just by the way you describe your bed room when you were 8. See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in the bellies of snow? And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms? Or would you leave the snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree? And if you would, would you notice how that tree weeps for you because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek? Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you sleep beside them when they’re sad, even if it makes your lover mad? Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain? See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mother’s joy when she spoke it for the very first time. I want you tell me all the ways you’ve been unkind. Tell me all the ways you’ve been cruel. See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving. And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people’s wounds.”

—

Andrea Gibson On Friday nights, on the occasion where I feel like a homebody, which I would say may be 50 percent of the time, I spend my nights reading and listening to spoken word.  This piece stands out to me because of its content and the reality of how moving it is to truly know someone. Knowing every aspect of their being, and they know you are navigating through those spaces, and they knew what you appreciate about them.  This process has the ability to create such a solid ground for a relationship. At 22, I think I have a solid ground on which to build friendships, but I am still figuring out the whole intimate partnership relationship concept that is healthy and constructive for both parties. In over news, I saw a stunning rainbow today.

I couldn't capture the color with my camera, but each line of color was so clearly distinguished, and yet you could see where the other colors faded into one another.  Also, if you look closer, you can see that there was a second rainbow above the first.

And lil' ol' me after Kjell's soccer game.  Photo rights go to Siri.

Second Round

The second round of postcards will be sent out tomorrow, if that is, I am able to take some money out of the bank to buy stamps.

My allergies have become so horrible that I needed to see a doctor.  Granted, I was very nervous to make a doctor's appointment in German, but I was able to do it.  The office is right on our corner.  When I walked in I was so surprised to see how modern the office was. Props that I did my first doctor's appointment and checked in all in German.

Experiencing the medical system first hand in Germany brings me to another point.  This was a more pleasurable experience in a doctor's office than I had ever had in the states.  I didn't have to pay a co-pay, and my appointment was made for 30 minutes after I called to check for an available appointment. I always argued against the superiority of exclusively privatized medicine, but now I have first hand experience that a centralized medical system was actually more effective and efficient than the privatized system in the US. Although, I must say, the whole completely white doctor's office is also a German thing.. and I still hate it as much as I hate the white stained walls of hospitals in the USA.

Additionally, I will need to experience another visit to a doctor and Apotheke in a less privileged neighborhood to make a fair judgement... but that is for another day.

After my surprisingly prompt appointment, I made my way to East Berlin to pay a visit to a new Stasi exhibition.

This is one of the organizers that the Stasi kept files of people in. One in every 90 people in the GDR was a spy for the secret police.  Young people that were looked after were often referred to as "decadent".  I had a professor when I studied abroad here in 2010 that had a file within the GDR's records.  The GDR wasn't able to destroy all of their record before permission for all Germans to move freely between the East and West was given.  Residents of Germany protested to make the records public, and now, if there was a file kept on you, you can access this material if you visit the office were the official records are kept.  When my professor looked for his, his file said "decadent" but safe.

The recruitment of young people in activities of the Stasi is how the Stasi maintained such a constant flow of information.

 Punks and other non-conformists were often video-taped when they were in public.  I find it hilarious how this is documented.  Can you find the words that give the description of this youth?

 This is a flyer that was used in 1953 by a young person advocating for socialism with a human face, against the totalitarian regime of the GDR. His name is Gerd Stöcklein, its worth it to find more about his involvement in peaceful movements against the GDR.

Copies of keys that the Stasi made that allowed them access to the homes of private citizens.

And some random fun Berlin Street Art on the way home. :)

Settling on Black Coffee

Tonight, I went to a SERVAS meeting at a Pakistani/Indian restaurant.  Throughout the past few weeks, I have been looking over the internet for different groups to join in order to broaden my experience and share it with like-minded people.  On Sunday, I took a four hour tour of Berlin with the Berlin Historical Association. Both are amazing communities of intellectual stimulating people.  The problem is that I am about 30 years younger than most members.

Let me rephrase that, it is not a problem. Because I have plenty of friends that are my age that I can entertain myself.  I think my presence at these events excites some and surprises others.  It has just made me realize that in my heart, I am an old soul that would be perfectly happily engaging in intellectual humanitarian analyzation, traveling to learn, and drinking black coffee.

I also want to write a disclaimer, that I in no way, am a photographer.  I takes pictures of the way I want to remember things, which is mostly likely in my point of view.

Under this willow tree, I spent some time reading Lolita.  This is in the Tiergarten.

A great view of the Brandenburger Tur

And this is the new installation of the profile of the first man who attempted to assassinate Hitler.  The tour guide from the Berlin Historical Association also pointed out that his profile faces the building that used to be the national propaganda office for the Nazis.  Behind his profile is the site where Hitler committed suicide.  Now this is an apartment building.  The Germans choose not to preserve the site because they did not wish for the site to become a Nazi shrine in the future.

Oh these Germans, so intentional. 

Saturday Stroll

After Siri's birthday breakfast at the house, I headed to the Quentin Blake Europe School to check out their Jumbo Sale, which is a back sale/ thrift sale which benefits the school and the families that choose to make a booth.  Having a lot of time to read, and unwilling to carry my ipad everywhere, I needed to invest in some more soft covered English books.  After my searching for some obscure titles, I walked away with 3 books for 1.50. Then I decided to talk a walk to pass some time out of the house before Siri's birthday party this afternoon.

That is when I stumbled upon the AlliiertenMuseum.  Walking in was oddly eery and the museum had the essence of the aftermath of war.  Perhaps it conveyed the arrogance of spending millions of dollars on war, and then millions more to commemorate the destruction in a some-what idolized manner, but hey that's just my view point right?  Nevertheless, the museum had some great information about Berlin during WWII, and documented the fall of the Berlin wall, as well as the occupation of Berlin by the Allied Powers.

It was obvious that the museum was financed by the American government, yet it was very interesting to analyze the perspective captured by the materials and exhibits that were displayed.

Perhaps if there was just one section of the museum dedicated to dissecting the term "reds" or "communists", it would illustrate that we, as a human race have developed a deeper understanding of "enemy" in times of war.  Unfortunately this was absent, and we haven't learned how a stark definition of a term used to group masses of people together can cause great divides.

In fact, even an exhibit that promoted the idea of peace and conversation between opposing parties could have lightened the mood a tad. Or even gave a hopeful glimpse into the future.