Got a makeover today..

Thanks to having friends in make-up school...

I feel like I don't even look like myself, ha.

Loving my Free Days

Fortunately, I have had the privilege over the past two days to really engage in massive amounts of PBS documentary watching.  First, I go to POV, then on to Independent Lens, and maybe some Frontline or American Experience or America Revealed, however these "maybes" tend to be more on the conservative side.  If I don't have a lot of background knowledge in those areas I also feel like I need to do my own research so that I can make sure I am not receiving completely biased information.  On the whole though, POV and Independent Lens curb my craving for PBS informational documentaries.  Over the past few months they have been showcasing many films on Mexico, Central America, and South America, which I value because I haven't spent much, if any, time in these places.  The films give me a visual perspective on the news I am receiving.

It may be time to devour some of my library books while listening to the new Tegan and Sara album.

How funny is it that when you finally realize what you did wrong in love and how to make up for it, its too late...

Self Evident Truths

On my day off, I am delightfully rummaging through queer theory on the interweb. This did not happen purposefully.  I had visited ted.com/talks just to see some updated videos and see if anything caught my attention. iO Tillett Wright did.  When I get very busy, one of the first things that I forget about myself is that I love art, especially photography that has a purpose.

iO's photograph campaign, Self Evident Truths, is such a powerful display of emotion and human reality.  Being so powerful, the pictures lend themselves and are made by the social cause that they were created for.  The context gives them voice.  There have been campaigns that hers have been modeled from, but the mission makes it new.  Or maybe the concept that we still haven't been able to look at those who are slightly different than use in a human lens is what keeps the idea fresh...

check out her Ted Talk: Fifty Shades of Gay
and her website: Self Evident Truths

Meditation Imagery

As a creature of habit, I am aware that when I meditate, I go to a place of familiar solitude.  When I first started meditating as a teenager I used to go along a path and end up in a circular grove surrounded my willow trees, whose branches gently kissed the full green grass.  In my mind, I would sit on the edge of the circle and let the branches whisp over my skin.

In college, I would go to a warm gray boulder in the afternoon sun that sat on the bank of a river within a forest.  I would lay on the rock in a sundress with the sun warming my skin.  The last couple of months have been a difficult time to meditate.  I couldn't focus, or maybe I just couldn't let go of my mind and my consciousness.  I started to realize how stress has such a strong affect on my physical being.  My skin, my appetite, lock jaw, and I even noticed that I completely stop breathing when I am feeling stressed.  My physical self could not let go of reality, so I was not able to put my physical self in my meditation imagery like I normally do.

But I found myself in my meditation today, sitting atop a cliff overlooking the ocean at dusk.  How amazing to notice the change of scenery.  I know it represents a shift in mindset.  I was in a place of relative comfort and a place where I could heal while I was in college.  Somewhere that was new, challenging but ultimately safe.  Now, I am facing the world of possibility.  I am joyful, but taking on the world with a somber seriousness.

Grief and Loss

Last week, the organization that I work for lost one their members in a car-bike accident. We were asked to support the chapter and the other members as they deal with their grief about the loss of a young, genuine soul.

I would love to be there, but I have no idea how.  In no point in my life have I ever dealt with grief in a natural way that was neither numb or full of resentment.  Recently, I have been meaning to find a workshop dealing with this issue and I found one in Berkeley, but the intensity that may surface terrifies me. But I know I should begin to learn these skills to be more of a support to those around me.

There is a debriefing activity that was suggested, having members write a letter to the person who passed that expresses unfinished matters and feelings/thoughts about the other person. After this, the entire group has the chance to share the letter with everyone else.  When this process is over, you can also give the option of lying the letter to rest.  Perhaps burying it near a tree or putting all of the letters in a box together.

Cathartic, that's the aim: an activity that perhaps begins or prompts the healing process.

The Power of Negotiation

Friday, I had my oil changed.  It wasn't until I had driven all the way from Sacramento to San Francisco that I realized, due to a disturbing sound originating from my engine, that they had failed to put new oil into my car.  Of course, the didn't forget to write recommendations on other things that may need work though. Afraid that if I called there would be no recourse, I didn't call to complain today.  I was trying to think how I would manage without a car for even two months.  Due to the nature of my job, I travel a lot so I picked up the phone and asked to talk to a manager.  I was deliberate in my tone and they agreed they would fix it at no cost and pay for the towing.  I was amazed how my "policy advocate voice" and way of expressing a point could get me better customer service. When I have gone about asking for compensation in other ways, I have always failed.  I picked a line and remained strictly professional to maintain that line until my needs were met.

I was listening to NPR the other day, and this man was talking about how he can negotiate 10,000 dollars off of the sticker price of a car.  I was I could talk a class in his stoic negotiation tactics.

It also helped me to keep in mind that the person who forgot, may have been having a really bad day.  Forgetting to do that wasn't intentional, and being aggressive in my mindset against this person would only further aggravate the situation.  We all forget sometimes and make mistakes, and yes that includes HUGE mistakes.  Keeping this perspective not only helped me in communicating my needs, but also in not allowing my frustration ruin my weekend...

BECAUSE I did some amazing things this weekend.  On Saturday evening, I spent the night at a friend's in San Francisco and we counted bonfires on the beach, ate overlooking the ocean, and drank hot chocolate before bed. Sunday, I had the chance to volunteer for the Youth Training Project's Winter Leadership Institute for their new youth trainers.  I love being able to be in community with this group of people.  Even though it was a lot of people preparing food for so many people, it was uplifting to see them work, and merely being with them.

Today, I rested.  I think MLK would respect that everyone needs a day to recenter themselves for their work.

I am Colorblind

As a child, I never understood the saying, "tears of joy". Crying was reserved for pain or emotional confusion. Shedding tears from something that made you feel happiness was too complex to grasp.

I understand now.  Now that I cry less, the meaning and significance of tears has changed. I still cry when I am sad, but I also cry when I am overwhelmed with joy.

I cry because I feel so grateful to have endured such pain, and be in such a beautiful place now.  I cry because on Saturday mornings I can sit with a cup of tea and enjoy the warmth that only a morning sun can bring, and I am full of love, despite chaos. Surviving has turned into thriving, and I love giving my energy back to youth in the position that I once was in, because there is hope for change. I can see that myself, because I am no longer empty. 

But I cry for other reasons too.. 

like being able to truly connect with my friends in a significant caring relationship. 

or being able to travel with my body intact and a mission to learn. 

or having enough confidence to know that I have a beautiful soul and I can share it. 

And these days, I have more tears of joy than tears of sorrow. 

*I have also consciously made the decision to infuse my apartment and living space with things that promote warmth, peace of mind, and inspiration.  Because of this, when I clean this is what my sink looks like:

I actually did not notice this until I looked up from my listless thoughts about laundry, and I saw how it laid out and I felt that I had to photo document this.

And lastly, a flower that I picked just for me.

Adult Life

Adult life is waking up before 6am on your day off, which you acquired as comp time for working a weekend, and being busy with tasks outside of the house until 5pm.  I was able to make some major segway on some tasks that I had been putting off, sadly laundry was not included in this list.

However, I bought all of my immunizations required for South Africa today! The travel clinic also made me a nifty traveler's guidebook.

While I was waiting, I also had the chance to look through some of their photo albums.  I am so excited to have the opportunity to take pictures like this soon:

Along the less exciting lines of my life, I had my hair fixed, my oil changed, and I got my Sacramento library card!  I learned that German hair coloring has green undertones in ash blonde and that that was why I have been feeling like my hair was green for the last 3 months.  Everyone was trying to be nice telling me that it wasn't green, but now I have professional evidence. :)

Hanging out with yourself.

Today was a long day.  I worked for ten hours in our San Francisco office after I spent the last two nights at a friend's apartment in Oakland.  So, after I took the BART to 19th street, downtown Oakland, walked to my car, drove home to Sacramento, and participated in a South Africa planning call (in which one of the organizers prank called someone in South Africa), I took some time to hang out with myself as I deleted some material off of my old computer.

Besides finding some gem material like, Where The Wild Things Are, I realized just how cool I think I am. Sometimes, I get so caught up in work that I forget to engage with the pieces of me that I find comfort in.

And I thought of this: How To Be Alone

Hang out with yourself.  It keeps you grounded. It rejuvenates you, and you remember things that you forgot you loved. 

A little umph in those relationships.

Relationships are one of the working areas that I consistently focus energy on improving.  After I graduated from college, I made this a priority.  Throughout college, I watched as my friendships grew into fruitful exchanges.

Currently, I am focusing on learning how to appreciate and value the other person. One of the advocacy and training projects that I have worked for used this technique and I saw how beneficial it was to the community.  Participating in this dynamic inspired me to incorporate it into my daily life, and make sure it was an integral part of my relationships.  I put a lot of value on a romantic relationship, and when that investment gets very little return, or I feel like my warmth is merely being absorbed, instead of expanding on the warmth between people, I start to feel drained.  That is when conflict arises.  I have learned at the moment that I feel drained, that that is a moment where I need to walk away because it isn't a healthy situation.

Maybe this could be more beneficial if I was able to determine this at an earlier point of relationship formation, but this is the current limit to my personal awareness.

I put so much weight on the relationship and it's functionality, that how I feel about it can overtake my willingness to engage with work, friends, and personal hobbies and passions. I am committed not to let this happen again. Committed to making sure that I never overlook the positive mainstay people in my life that want to be supports for me.

And now I can see it, recognize it, and walk away before I get mired.

My survival mechanism has been the ability to walk away.  To let the past live in the past and leave it there.  It is not a fault, it is an asset.

A little thought on flaws.

 Once you have accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you. And when you get there, you can rejoice in all of your strengths, and find humor in your flaws.  Instead of a barrier, they become ways of appreciating your humanity and allow you to relate to other people.

And to add a little bit of my home additions... this is what I spent 2 hours putting on my wall tonight after the training for trainers retreat.

 This was the view from the retreat center that we stayed at this weekend in Applegate, CA.  I wish I was not so averse to the cold weather, because I may have been able to appreciate it more.

Youth Engagement

Retreats are great ways to really engage with group dynamics. I love them and here is why....

We do a poetry workshop where you are given a title of a poem, and you write the first line and then everyone else in your small group adds a line.

Here is the one I started with:

In my dreams
People I know become
My heroes
The leaders who have shaped me into the woman I am today.
Knowing that I will be strong
I keep my head up
And fill the world up
With encouragement
And I rest, in their world.

- CYC members and staff collaborative 

Unconditionally Love My Beautiful Ugly

Some days are greatly enhanced by some very real spoken word.  There are days when I just need someone to break something down honestly, when I do not have the power or voice to do it myself.  Spoken word is an artistic tool that I connect with easily, yet deeply.  Although I have never tried it myself, I would really like to try. I wonder if I can find a workshop in the greater Sacramento area...

Working on that now.

Restorative Justice

When you lay down for a nap and wake up 12 hours later, I think it is valid to say that you were paying back some sleep debt.  I had some really ambitious dreams to go to the library and get my library card, change my address on my online dmv account, and do some planning for South Africa. All of which went to the wayside in order for me to get some optimal dream time in.

My new apartment is starting to come together, I am going for a minimalist, playful, zen theme and I am not sure how that is going to turn out, but searching for the pieces has bolstered my independence, while being a great adventure.

Yesterday, I cam across an article in the New York Times titled "Can Forgiveness Play a Role in Criminal Justice?". The piece documents what a Restorative Justice process could look for the parties involved when a harm is done by someone to another. Rather than proceed to attempt to rectify the wrongs done by the traditional justice system this process brings the victim and the wrong-doer into one process in order to seek a decision to address the wrongs and hold the wrong-doer personally accountable.

If you choose to read the piece, you can see how emotionally charged it is at times and how the process is deeply personal for those involved.  Having been through one of these processes myself, and having sat in a circle for seven hours, I can say that it is draining and emotionally charged on all sides of the circle.  The moderator should be highly trained and everyone going in as a support should be prepped, because even they will have strong emotional reactions to the restoration process.

But I think it can work. I know it can.  The pain from an injustice isn't fully healed from this process, or maybe not at all, but it is a step....

Awaited verse of prose

Over my pause in blogging I had the chance to somewhat channel my feelings about heroine.  Especially since we had a very real emotional interaction on Christmas morning.  I use the feminine pro-noun, because I imagine that if heroine were to somehow materialize in human form, it would be an overly sexualized biological female.  However, this could just be my personal perception. This is the skeleton of something I am trying to flesh out right now.

When I was five, I looked for you in corners of my mother's bedroom
like I looked for hidden Christmas presents.
Searching through her drawers, I found you in the make-up bag
Encased in flowers, I still didn't like how you were wrapped in tin foil.
Seeing them laugh, cry
I thought our face to face introduction would be more pleasant
In the moment that I found you. I wanted to destroy you.
Why was I different?

Why was I different,
As you raced through his veins
As you danced in his eyes that faced toward the back of his skull
As she took a gun and merrily threatened our existence.

And this is the point where I realize that poetry is not my strength and I choose to revert back to prose.

Heroine, I used to look for you like you were purposefully hidden.  I sought you out.  And then I ran. I ran from a 13 year old boy who thought you were his dearest friend. Ran from the spotlight you put on us. 3.000 miles and you still disorient my direction at times.

And now on Christmas morning, you present yourself.  I don't look for you anymore in my mother's possessions.  Is that why you replaced the gifts of this time with your presence?

(This is still a work in progress and I am trying to work it out within myself. )

Some Lessons from 2012

Thinking back on this year really pulls up a lot of emotions for me. 2012 has been, by far, the most noteworthy year of my entire life.  In terms of great, monumental, and challenging experiences and opportunities. I've gained new relationships, ended unhealthy relationships, and cultivated meaningful connections to those who inspire and comfort me on a daily basis.  I also moved into my first real, adult studio apartment on the last day of 2012.

My biggest take-aways from this year are:

• Transition.  Life is all about change.  The more willing you are to accept that change and find some sort of routine and comfort in it, the easier it will be on you.  If a situation is too painful and you cannot feel growth, make steps to enact a change of your own accord.  Transition is natural... unless you are so beholden to a certain condition of life that you are unwilling to let go.. but even then, life changes ad when your attitude doesn't, you get stuck and become resentful.  Some circumstances are not under your control, but your reaction and your mindset are. If you take control of those things, it is almost as if you are taking control of the transition in your life.
• Express your gratitude to be alive to those surrounding you. When you are nice and go out of your way to help strangers, you will find they are more likely to do the same for you.  If you look for the good in people, more often then not, they will show it to you.  Overlook some negative things, not everyone is on their A game all of the time.  When you show acceptance, you will personally feel the difference and will get rid of that negative energy faster. AND, when you tell those around you and that you love, how much they mean to you will feel that love returning back to you. Rejoice in their good qualities, because they bring out the best qualities in you. 
• Loving your job is just as important as loving your personal life.  Make your space and find places where you can show your strengths instead of hem and haw over your weaknesses.
• You don't always have to be happy or feel accomplished, but when you recognize that you are stagnent and unhappy with it, you can work and make that different. Ambition can come in waves and that is okay.
• If a relationship is unhealthy for you, it is unhealthy for everyone who is touched by that relationship. Walk away.  You don't need an excuse.  

If you would have asked me last year where I would picture myself, it wouldn't be here and things have changed that I thought were steadfast pillars in my life.  Yet, right now, I know that this is where I am supposed to be.  I am excited to start a new chapter and to learn and grow within an area of stability that I have never known before.