Tuesday, August 27, 2013
The last night
In NJ and I think I have officially lost all feeling in all of my limbs. If I could try to make sense of the truth, it would be too biased. I really have no idea what up from down is.
Christina Ann
On Saturday evening at 8:49pm, a little precious one was brought into this world. Christina Ann, you already have so many people in this world that love you.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
My Relationship With a Biploar Person
Lately, I have found it hard to write large pieces rather fragmented thoughts. Lately means the last year or so. I am not sure whether this is from my last year of college and burn out or trying to navigate the world in a different way post graduation. Post-graduation life almost hints that there is less room for error and more of an incentive to succeed.
One of my biggest challenges this year has been learning how to leave behind and grow from a relationship that I had with a bipolar person. The relationship wasn't one that lasted consistently over a period of years, it was one that was off and on for 5 years. No romantic relationship that I have had before, during, or after has been as emotionally intense. My love was the strongest for the person, while being the most destructive to my self-esteem and self-worth. Unfortunately, I don't know if it is the same for the other person. The most painful part is that if this person could have gained control of the bipolar disorder, I really think that we could have been a family- a forever family.
I can recount the steps of attachment in our relationship. I first met him when I was at a party with his older brother. Then, as I got older, I had to move in with their family. I still really didn't notice him. I visited a lot and he kept in contact when I moved across the country for college, but at that time I thought of him as a little brother. That is when I noticed that he had challenges controlling his emotions and bouts with depression. I sympathized and wanted to be a source of strength. When I came home to visit from college for holiday breaks I would stay with his family. That is when our relationship started to change.
After freshman year, I begin to think I had romantic feelings for him. I did, and they were strong. We would talk at night and discuss everything. I knew his secrets, or at least I thought I did. How could I tell the difference? Every time I would come to see him over the next three years we would have the most intense rekindling of romantic emotion. When I held his hand, I could feel the electric running through my skin. At night, I wouldn't sleep because I was so enthralled to spend every moment talking to him that I could. However, every time I would leave in order to go back to school a sling-shot of negative behaviors would have me up against the wall fighting for air. This isn't to say that every time we were together it was positive or every time that we were apart it was negative, but that was the general pattern.
In fact, every time I was visiting a few days before I would have to leave to go home, he would start verbally attacking me or acting so distant that I would start questioning my sense of sanity/reality. Did we really just have that fantastic night on the beach? What he told other people and what I was experiencing was drastically different. I wanted to help him, because I knew he would be happier and it would benefit our communication and relationship. When I couldn't do it I felt like a failure. Could I have given him more, was a positive enough? Was I enough to make him happy?
I know that he is a great, kind, humorous, and thoughtful person. I saw it and I felt it. Hell, I LOVED him with everything that I had. Everything I did was an attempt to make sure that we would have a stable and secure future together. But I couldn't manage or navigate dealing with his bipolar disorder. I couldn't tell when I was talking to him or dealing with an episode. I'm not a doctor and I didn't want to be his doctor. I wanted to be his lover. The Bipolar disorder would leave me so distraught that I made terrible, hurtful decisions because I was unsure of how to protect myself.
The past year has been a struggle because I feel like I failed in dealing with a mental illness at the cost of a person I loved most in the world. I wasn't strong enough to distinguish him from his battle, and am overcome with a sense of guilt at the pain I caused because of that.
One of my biggest challenges this year has been learning how to leave behind and grow from a relationship that I had with a bipolar person. The relationship wasn't one that lasted consistently over a period of years, it was one that was off and on for 5 years. No romantic relationship that I have had before, during, or after has been as emotionally intense. My love was the strongest for the person, while being the most destructive to my self-esteem and self-worth. Unfortunately, I don't know if it is the same for the other person. The most painful part is that if this person could have gained control of the bipolar disorder, I really think that we could have been a family- a forever family.
I can recount the steps of attachment in our relationship. I first met him when I was at a party with his older brother. Then, as I got older, I had to move in with their family. I still really didn't notice him. I visited a lot and he kept in contact when I moved across the country for college, but at that time I thought of him as a little brother. That is when I noticed that he had challenges controlling his emotions and bouts with depression. I sympathized and wanted to be a source of strength. When I came home to visit from college for holiday breaks I would stay with his family. That is when our relationship started to change.
After freshman year, I begin to think I had romantic feelings for him. I did, and they were strong. We would talk at night and discuss everything. I knew his secrets, or at least I thought I did. How could I tell the difference? Every time I would come to see him over the next three years we would have the most intense rekindling of romantic emotion. When I held his hand, I could feel the electric running through my skin. At night, I wouldn't sleep because I was so enthralled to spend every moment talking to him that I could. However, every time I would leave in order to go back to school a sling-shot of negative behaviors would have me up against the wall fighting for air. This isn't to say that every time we were together it was positive or every time that we were apart it was negative, but that was the general pattern.
In fact, every time I was visiting a few days before I would have to leave to go home, he would start verbally attacking me or acting so distant that I would start questioning my sense of sanity/reality. Did we really just have that fantastic night on the beach? What he told other people and what I was experiencing was drastically different. I wanted to help him, because I knew he would be happier and it would benefit our communication and relationship. When I couldn't do it I felt like a failure. Could I have given him more, was a positive enough? Was I enough to make him happy?
I know that he is a great, kind, humorous, and thoughtful person. I saw it and I felt it. Hell, I LOVED him with everything that I had. Everything I did was an attempt to make sure that we would have a stable and secure future together. But I couldn't manage or navigate dealing with his bipolar disorder. I couldn't tell when I was talking to him or dealing with an episode. I'm not a doctor and I didn't want to be his doctor. I wanted to be his lover. The Bipolar disorder would leave me so distraught that I made terrible, hurtful decisions because I was unsure of how to protect myself.
The past year has been a struggle because I feel like I failed in dealing with a mental illness at the cost of a person I loved most in the world. I wasn't strong enough to distinguish him from his battle, and am overcome with a sense of guilt at the pain I caused because of that.
Times Change
My best friend is in labor!!! Within a few hours, Michelle will be a mom to a wonderful baby girl. This is what Michelle has wanted for a very long time. She has always been a family-starter kinda gal. The path she took to get there wasn't the traditional route. Many nights we spent on the road, in the back seats of cars, or in hotel rooms across the country. We have been to Virgina, St. Louis, Palmdale, Columbus, Chicago, Philly, NYC, and all over NJ just having a blast in our late teenage years and our early 20's.
Now, she will be a mom. I hope that she cherishes the time spent with her daughter and teaches her how to be an independent adventurer just like she was. I also hope that her daughter learns how to use the system to her advantage like we did.
From the third member of the Heartbreak Brigade, I give you permission to break hearts as you learn about the world and yourself.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Monday, August 19, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Newfoundland
After 23 years of pronouncing Newfoundland incorrectly, I am incessantly practicing how to say it correctly in my head. Frankly, I have also begun to speak in an accent.
Day 1: Flight from Newark to St. John's, An avid customs agent questioning me on things I had no idea about. A cousin waiting with a homemade sign. Switching hotels in the middle of the night.
Day 2: A journery to Signal Hill. A few pubs at 10 in the morning. Cape Spear. A ride to Carbonear. SOO much cousin love.
Day 3: Rain. Walking in the morning rain. Jet lag. Experiencing Newfoundland shopping culture.
Day 4: A long ride along th Irish Loop including Bay of Bulls and Cape Broyle. A boast ride w/LOTS of the cutest PUFFINS!!! I LOVE PUFFINS!!!! Buy me one. We also got lost a million times until someone decided to just let me drive... oh, and Bakeapples. Jams and bakeapples from the side of the road.
Three more days... and then back to NJ for a bit.
Day 1: Flight from Newark to St. John's, An avid customs agent questioning me on things I had no idea about. A cousin waiting with a homemade sign. Switching hotels in the middle of the night.
Day 2: A journery to Signal Hill. A few pubs at 10 in the morning. Cape Spear. A ride to Carbonear. SOO much cousin love.
Day 3: Rain. Walking in the morning rain. Jet lag. Experiencing Newfoundland shopping culture.
Day 4: A long ride along th Irish Loop including Bay of Bulls and Cape Broyle. A boast ride w/LOTS of the cutest PUFFINS!!! I LOVE PUFFINS!!!! Buy me one. We also got lost a million times until someone decided to just let me drive... oh, and Bakeapples. Jams and bakeapples from the side of the road.
Three more days... and then back to NJ for a bit.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
New Jersey!
Yesterday, I was in Baltimore, Maryland for the last day of the conference. I ate lunch with a friend at the harbor and then made my way up to NJ by vehicle. The East Coast roads are so much busier than what I am used to now.
Today, I visited with my best friend. She's pregnant and about to burst with life any minute. Spending the day with her made me remember what it was like to be a teenager and all the times that we had. She is going to be a mom now. She seems ready. I longed to also be a mom, even though I know I am not ready to have kids. The one person I would have been willing to have children with isn't in my life any more. I wonder if I ever will have kids now. She reminded me of that.
That kind of love where you buy socks for the other person and the comfortable and passionate kind of love. To know it is so close, but not be able to get that person's attention. Trying not to go, but wanting to so badly.
Yesterday, I was in Baltimore, Maryland for the last day of the conference. I ate lunch with a friend at the harbor and then made my way up to NJ by vehicle. The East Coast roads are so much busier than what I am used to now.
Today, I visited with my best friend. She's pregnant and about to burst with life any minute. Spending the day with her made me remember what it was like to be a teenager and all the times that we had. She is going to be a mom now. She seems ready. I longed to also be a mom, even though I know I am not ready to have kids. The one person I would have been willing to have children with isn't in my life any more. I wonder if I ever will have kids now. She reminded me of that.
That kind of love where you buy socks for the other person and the comfortable and passionate kind of love. To know it is so close, but not be able to get that person's attention. Trying not to go, but wanting to so badly.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Meep.
Pre-Conference Day: Check
I get to write a briefing and part of a curriculum. Woo.
Can't wait to go to Newfoundland next Monday.
I get to write a briefing and part of a curriculum. Woo.
Can't wait to go to Newfoundland next Monday.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Say Lou Lou
"Had a dream that I could teach you how to love
My machine hired to reach inside your rib cage
Flick a switch and you engage
See the laugh burst across your face
Had a dream that I could teach you how to love
My machine hired to reach inside your rib cage
Flick a switch and you engage."
My machine hired to reach inside your rib cage
Flick a switch and you engage
See the laugh burst across your face
Had a dream that I could teach you how to love
My machine hired to reach inside your rib cage
Flick a switch and you engage."
Note to self
If you feel like you are missing a vital aspect of life, you are allowed to settle at 30 but only if:
1. You've stopped traveling and are willing to set up shop in an abode.
2. You have fallen so ridiculously in love that you cannot function properly without the feelings of bliss you know is available to you.
3. You've lost the ambition to push for more horizons.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Travel Blogs
Alas, I am not an award-winning novelist and am thus not qualified to write blogs about my numerous adventures. I am much better at writing short witty comments about my travel as it is happening. Those comments are enclosed for all to see via my lovely and enchanting tumblr. Here I can describe my travel in fragments...
Bus from Sacramento to L.A.: Finished a book with excerpts from pilgrimages that people have made
Bus from L.A. to Phoenix: Bus Driver was sassy and didn't allow anyone to talk. She also made us transfer buses at 2am. Due to my short hair, it was easier to stay under wraps.
Bus from Phoenix to El Paso, Texas: Uneventful, I think I listened to music and slept during this portion
Bus from El Paso to Dallas: Well, I woke up at Border Patrol, which means that we spent some time in Mexico. That was not in my itinerary, however that's okay, I came out alive. No authentic enchiladas for me.
Bus from Dallas to Birmingham: Finished another book about women traveling around the world. Not pansy ones either... like actually going for it.
Then my last bus was canceled and a friend drove the last leg from Montgomery to pick me up. It was only an hour so it wasn't that bad. After three days of being on the bus and experiencing a wide array of sexism and homophobic comments, I was offered a cold pop and a night in some man's house. I declined.
Within the last two days I have been to Martin Luther King Jr's home and the shores of the Gulf of Mexico.
Noteworthy: The Gulf of Mexico was extremely warm. I also used a friend's goggles and saw some large fish. I knew I felt something by my feet. The first kind I saw was like a mini-shark ( not trying to catch that -ish) but the second type was a beautiful fish with yellow. I tried to catch that one to show a friend who doesn't know how to swim, I was very unsuccessful. Apparently, I can't maneuver as fast as a fish in water. Oh well, we had a blast.
Bus from Sacramento to L.A.: Finished a book with excerpts from pilgrimages that people have made
Bus from L.A. to Phoenix: Bus Driver was sassy and didn't allow anyone to talk. She also made us transfer buses at 2am. Due to my short hair, it was easier to stay under wraps.
Bus from Phoenix to El Paso, Texas: Uneventful, I think I listened to music and slept during this portion
Bus from El Paso to Dallas: Well, I woke up at Border Patrol, which means that we spent some time in Mexico. That was not in my itinerary, however that's okay, I came out alive. No authentic enchiladas for me.
Bus from Dallas to Birmingham: Finished another book about women traveling around the world. Not pansy ones either... like actually going for it.
Then my last bus was canceled and a friend drove the last leg from Montgomery to pick me up. It was only an hour so it wasn't that bad. After three days of being on the bus and experiencing a wide array of sexism and homophobic comments, I was offered a cold pop and a night in some man's house. I declined.
Within the last two days I have been to Martin Luther King Jr's home and the shores of the Gulf of Mexico.
Noteworthy: The Gulf of Mexico was extremely warm. I also used a friend's goggles and saw some large fish. I knew I felt something by my feet. The first kind I saw was like a mini-shark ( not trying to catch that -ish) but the second type was a beautiful fish with yellow. I tried to catch that one to show a friend who doesn't know how to swim, I was very unsuccessful. Apparently, I can't maneuver as fast as a fish in water. Oh well, we had a blast.
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