Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul. 

William Ernest Henley

Strength

What is strong?  I would say that strong is many different things to various people. The term is vague and applied to physical, mental, and emotional traits.

So, then what kind of strength do I look for in a partner or friend?

Emotional and mental strength. The depth of each depends on what I need or am willing to give to the relationship. In a partner, I need emotional and mental strength because my life is chaotic. I want to help that other person, but I want them to also be there for me.

Here is a list of the kinds of strengths that I want:

-Firm in speech, when you say something, do it. Don't be hesitant.
-Come back later and apologize if you were wrong, but until you get there, act with a purpose.
-Act. It is fine to be upset with something for awhile, but make a plan to fix it and act on it.
-Again, act. I want to be your cheerleader, but I don't want to feel like your mother.
-If you are upset about something, think about what you could have done to make that better. Not everything is everyone else's fault. Even when it is, there are things that you can do to mitigate the pain or ignore it.
- Cry, but don't let it consume you.. talk through it. Don't let your tears disempower you. Let them motivate you.
-Listen. Put your needs to the side for a minute. Listen.
-Ask difficult questions. Ask questions that you think the answer might hurt. If you are thinking them, but not asking them it will ruin the relationship.
-I'm honest, I'll tell you. Be prepared for honesty and willing to have a conversation about it.

Remember that there will be two people in the relationship and both have different ways of communicating. Make your list of things that you need. I need strength, or I don't want to be in a relationship. I would have more energy single if I am only giving strength and not receiving it.

Rainy Mornings

Every day I walk. I walk to and from law school, which is just over 2 miles.   I haven't been able to peel myself out of bed as early as the first few weeks of school, but I am usually on the road by 7am.  Putting my scarf over my head, I walk into the Seattle rain.

Seattle rain is different than rain anywhere else.  It isn't foreboding, it invites you to walk. You may get a little damp. You may choose to wear sturdier footwear. However, the rain never blocks your line of vision. I would be lying to you if I said walking through the rain in Seattle didn't feel like I was walking through a music video.

Yes, sometimes I would really like to take the bus.  In the mornings, often I dread going to class and I just want to plop myself on the sidewalk, and then I realize that if I did that no one would come looking or even tell me o get up off the cement and go to class. After I realize this, I convince myself that that takes all of the fun out of being stubborn.

Ha, because I am 24 now. And even if I lived near more family and friends, I doubt that they would tell a 24 year old what to do not to be a screw-up.

The weeks are going by so fast. I know I am missing moments with my friends. Hopefully this is worth it.

I don't have the energy to spend on responding. My energy lasts just long enough for me to take care of myself and complete the work needed for law school.

xoxo
Crys

WHAT?!? A blog post

When I began law school, I had the grand idea that I would document my journey. I really wish I had thus far. By far, my entries would be drenched in the pain of learning law and realizing that I no longer am able to have a life outside of law school. However, I feel like so much has happened... that is not true. Perhaps my brain is just growing at rapid speed and the lens at which I look at the world is changing.

It is.

My birthday was this weekend and that added a bit of spice to the mix. I spent the majority of the day alone and then went bowling with some friends. It really is nice just to get your hair and nails done some days. AND, my hair is now long enough that I can style it again. THANK. GOD. Cutting my hair short was traumatic.

I then proceeded to spend the next two days in a cafe. Also, someone keeps letting the air out of my back tires. They are going to be the cause of my death... mostly bc I didn't check on my birthday and then drove on the highway. I felt the car moving underneath me. Scary.

Otherwise, the older I get, the better birthdays get. I go so many great cards from friends and little gifts that made my day. <3

SO many other things... but sleep is so close.

So many classy things.

Within the last 24 hours, I attented the Seattle Symphony and the Burke Musuem. Although I am a poor law student, I am able to venture in the classy lifestyle because I did both of these things for free.

And, in order to maintain my sanity, I will be going pumpkin picking on the morrow. :)

Living in California could be so frustrating on days when you just needed a break from the sun and needed an overcast day so that you didn't feel guilty about processing feelings of sadness.

Perhaps that is why I like Seattle so much. My meloncholic demeanor is so in place with the early morning mist or fog. When I walk through the fog at 6:30am, I feel like I am paving a path through my emotional state. Surprisingly, it is often sunny by the afternoon and one can receive a healthy dose of Vitamin D.

To distract myself from some of the monotany of being in the library for the majority of my time, I have decided to write lyrical masterpieces based on law concepts covered in class. There is a serious lack of humor in law school. Okay, maybe there is humor but it is degrading humor and that is just not my jam. I need humor that is funny but not based on someone else's expense.

Walking over Freeways

When it isn't raining very hard in the morning, I love to walk to the law building. I usually get to the library around 7am. This is the time in the morning when the sun is just starting to come up, but the city is still half asleep. My favorite part of the walk is the I-5 overpass on 45th Street. If you look to the right you can still see the skyline of downtown with most of the lights shimmering.

Also, I have always loved just standing on bridges and looking down at the cars that pass underneath. Who are those people, where are they going, how is their morning going?  So many individual lives can pass beneath you in a matter of minutes.

It's like you don't even matter; the world matters but you are just a spectator. Be silent and just watch it. You can feel it and take it in, but don't force yourself into it.

"Just accept. Just notice. Just appreciate."

Song of the day

Law School

Yesterday was my first day of law school. I was stressed for 75 percent of the day.  Do you ever have days when you just want to go home and not talk to anyone because all of your energy has been spent?  That was how I felt. It wasn't because I had engaged in really active things, it was because I had such a heightened anxiety level. Over the next few weeks, I really need to brainstorm some ways that I can calm myself down within a class.

Also, during my first class, I answered a question before my professor finished the question. It turns out the last two words were qualifiers for what he wanted, and I didn't have an exact example and thus left him silent for a few seconds. THE ONLY ONE THAT DAY. Woo, what a great first impression. This left me stressed the rest of the day. AND, I become frustrated when we can't follow the schedule in class and since everyone wanted to show how intelligent they were, we barely got through two slides in that class... they were 19 in total. Yeah. I am a firm believer in having a solid base of knowledge before delving into a world of hypotheticals. the professor was trying to teach use how to approah those f'in crazy situations that you posed, but you wouldn't let him finish.

I also realized that I am one of the youngest people in law school, and thus it is okay to not have as much background knowledge. So good to be 23 and starting this path. I learn so much every day. Yet, it's stressful so I bought myself a gluten-free vanilla mini-cake to celebrate completing my first day as I watched trashy tv. (Don't worry, I went to the gym first...) 

Today? The Best Day

"What day is it?"
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.

Saturday rainy mornings give me a chance to catch up on the news and on updating myself on the blogs I use to re-center myself. This morning I had the pleasure of a common thread.  I love the idea that you can treat every day as something marvelous and new.  If you just stop, put your mind to the side, and appreciate the beauty or humor in the small things than you can smile. Sometimes people say I have a sardonic smile, but I am just trying to analyze something while maintaining a positive outlook. If the situation is negative I try to think what I can do to improve my surroundings. Yesterday, I was riding the bus to Pike Place Market to take some pictures of the fish market.  After a few stops, a few people sat in all the seats around me. For some reason, I couldn't stop smiling at the bright green Sounders jerseys or the man who took part of a newspaper to wipe the blood of his ankle.  I also noticed that there was newspaper all over. When I got up to leave, I picked up all of the newspaper and waited for my stop. Everyone started talking to each other about the Sounders game in the back of the bus when I left. Before, we were all looking at each other but weren't exchanging any words. I loved listening to the shift in conversation.

There is this Project called the Best Day Project started by a young woman in San Francisco.  For the majority of her lived life, she had been suicidal.  When she turned 24 she vowed to turn things around. She wrote out 365 things that she would love to day and every day she chooses one from a bowl and makes it the BEST DAY EVER. Some of the tasks are time consuming and large endeavors, but some consist of the mundane everyday things that can be great depending on how you approach them.  Could you imagine what life would be like if you approached every moment as if it was a great journey that you were embarking on.

What would your outfit be? Would you bring any essential tools?

We can make everyday a favorite day for a different reason.  It doesn't make it less special, it makes it different.

Scribbling Love Letters on Whiteboards

Dear Em,

Tonight I spent hours scouring the internet for the perfect quote to fill the better half of my whiteboard.  I wanted to find something that I could read every morning for the next few days or weeks and I would fill full and ready to take on whatever I faced in the world.  My whiteboard quotes are very important to me. They remind me to be kind to everyone I meet, despite my struggles because I have no idea what their personal battle looks like. They remind me the hardest part of the day is choosing what mindset that you are going to face the world with.  After all of my searching, I settled on the quote you sent me.  I wrote it in cursive, in pink. The first few words are fifty percent bigger than the rest. When I finished the first two lines I realized that if I continued to write that large that I wouldn't fit the entire text. But I kept the disproportionality. Love is the biggest word. It reminds me that I am not perfect, but it doesn't matter. Our love is a choice. The qualities that bind us together wil never fit into a geometric shape perfectly, but they fit us.

No one has given me quotes to fill my whiteboard before, except my good friend Marta, but that's different. She has the same habit. You just gave me material to make me smile throughout my day. I didn't prompt you.

When you gave me lilies, you sent me a card that said "I dare you to love me."  I want to tell you that I am taking that dare. I'm taking that dare because it is the least risky dare I have ever had to take in the name of love. I'm taking that dare because to me it really isn't a dare at all.

I trust you. Never before have I trusted anyone that I loved. This is what has always been missing.

Em, I don't need you. I trust you and choose you to be the one I love. I know that I will not be the only one carrying this relationship. I know that we can walk together equally and that if one of us needed help, the other would be there to support them. You are capable, kind, joyful, observant, thoughtful, and supportive.  Your work ethic and playfulness ensure that you could provide a stable life with many unforgetable moments.

You inspire growth and give me great material for my whiteboards.   Pictures of you may not line my walls, but your words line the curves of my spirit throughout the day.

Love,
Crystal

YAY Gifts.

 I get THE BEST GIFTS!!! 

Oh, Social Justice Folks

450 dollars later and I have all of my textbooks for the first quarter of law school. I seemed to forget, readily, how expensive it is to buy textbooks.

Yesterday, I went to the Indian Law Symposium at the University of Washington. They discussed this case: Adoptive Couple vs. Baby Girl. Many were adamant that a decision in favor of the couple was an injustice. But people?!?!  The father had no involvement in the child's life and was willing and ready to sign over his parental rights. In fact, when he signed the adoption papers, he thought he was signing over his parental rights. Under South Carolina state law, his behaviors constituted a forfeiture of parental rights, and since the child had been residing there and living with the adoptive family. The ruling was in favor of the couple.

Don't get me wrong, I am for Native American rights and fighting for justice, but the conversations around this topic at the symposium seemed so blind to children's rights and the best interest of the child.  AHHHH, people, can't you have an interdisciplinary informed approach to social justice?!?!? Children are not property. They are individuals. Separating them from a caregiver at such a young age causes attachment issues and early trauma. AND AND you wanted to place here with a father that had no involvement in her life and wanted to forgo his parental rights?!?

You're kidding right.

My Little Cabbage

Over the last few months I felt drained.  I watched myself as I transitioned from waking up at 5AM and being joyful throughout my day to working and trying to find moments ANYWHERE to sleep. I had my heart broken and I felt fatigued.  Something in my emotional capacity shut-off. Money mattered more to me than love.

And then I went to Wyoming to visit with my girlfriend. We started dating in late August, but we hadn't seen each other since March. In fact, she got to see me in the emotional pitfall that was the year of 23. Which was horrible because despite caring for me, I shut her out multiple times. It was hard for me to distinguish who she was behind her emotions and excitement to get to know me. Throughout the last 6 months, I knew that I had feelings for her but I wouldn't let myself give them merit or acknowledge them. In fact, her emotions allowed me to excuse her eagerness to get to know me as shallow character.

Yet, when I was in Newfoundland something told me that I had to let go of the pain and embrace a future. And then, she bought a plane ticket for me to come visit her once I came out to Seattle.  A mere 6 days into Seattle life I got on a plane to Casper, Wyoming. She was standing in the airport waiting for me with a puffin in hand. When I walked up to her, I was nervous. Would I like this person besides the phone and Internet connection that we had? Would the next five days be unbearable?

Then we got to her friends' house to spend the night. She brought me a towel, clean pillows, and toothpaste. Holy god, she was thoughtful and cared about the small things that I needed. I've never been in a relationship where I could trust the other person to take care of the small things.... or even think of me first.

The next few days where more of the same. I think I tested her in ways that I didn't think was possible. She literally paid for everything. I shouldn't have let her, because I could have paid and should have paid for some things, but I wanted to see where her kindness ended and her frustration of being there for me began. It never ended. She never got mad and she always wanted to give more.

At night, laying across from her, I cried. Yes, I wanted to shut down and I was afraid of caring about someone again. Giving all of yourself and not getting anything in return is exhausting. Soon I realized that that was the past. It wasn't Em.

I met her family, her friends. They won me over with their kindness and genuine personality. In five days, she made me realize that I wasn't running from her but from being hurt and what my previous thoughts on relationships were.

And in Wyoming, I let myself fall in love.

Wyoming, Oh Wyoming

After 6 days in Seattle, I went to Casper, Wyoming.  The last five days have been full of new things and Yellowstone. On my plane ride back to Seattle, I will blog. Can I force myself to blog? I need to.

I think I was infused with a new appreciation for things.

Bus Rides of Seattle: Just the Beginning

Hazzah, Hazzah. As my thoughts of what could implode based on U.S. military action in Syria race dramatically through my mind, I am forced to recollect some thoughts I have had on a different matter while riding the bus today.

Today, I got on the bus in the northern Seattle neighborhood in which I reside, and a man playfully hit on me.  I brushed it off and instead of getting annoyed by my common thoughts of gender and what it means to be considered as a sexual object as a queer woman, I began to think about race. I thought about the race and ethnicity of the men that usually hit on me.  (Please note that I am generalizing only behaviors of men that I as a white woman, have experienced and witnessed to other white women.   Since, I am not a woman of color I don't feel I could comment on this experience.)

First note: When I reject the advances of white males, I usually get an aggressive response in which the man usually begins to degrade me in either appearance or character. It feels as if my rejection was not justifiable, even if I am queer or not available. They felt they had a right to my body or person and I violated their right by refusing to indulge them.

Second note: When a male of a minority hits me, and I reject him, he usually persist with sexual remarks in attempt to reassure me that a sexual experience with him would be pleasurable. Sometimes, he doesn't but I am usually left with a remark like, just remember you are so cute or beautiful, etc. It feels like when rejection happens minority males feel like they can't use their character to attempt to persuade me... like the only way that I would be with them is for physical reasons.

Don't get me wrong, in both instances I feel objectified, but when race comes into play I find that there are remnants of structural racism that pervade the objectification of white women. I mean to say that the tactics are based on a presumption that the white woman may hold racist views and they must be played into.

Again, these are just thoughts but I think this would be a great sociological study.

Yesler Terrace

In my adventures of the day, and my unwillingness to pay a bas fare for a two part adventure I walked three miles to South Seattle from Downtown.  On the second part of my walk I was on my way to a meeting, a meeting in Yesler Terrace. I had some feelings about this walk, but I think this article captures my thoughts even better than I could: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/the-twilight-of-yesler-terrace/Content?oid=15933703

Within the last few days, I have flown to California, packed up all of my belongings, and drove to Seattle. The last three days were full of memories with my friend Julia at BumperShoot.

But, I got my healthy dose of trashy t.v. in tonight... and I watched as a group of people went up to a horse and told the equine therapist why they would be scared to clean the hoof of the horse. Of course, in my sensitive nature I began to tear up. Why?  What would I be afraid of if I had to complete the same exercise? Well, I would be afraid that I would hurt the horse.  What does that mean?  I have an extreme sense of guilt about doing what I need to do in order to succeed, and possibly hurting (or at least feeling like I have hurt others) in getting there.

What would your biggest fear be?  How do you think that translates into your current emotional state?

The last night

In NJ and I think I have officially lost all feeling in all of my limbs. If I could try to make sense of the truth, it would be too biased. I really have no idea what up from down is.

Christina Ann

On Saturday evening at 8:49pm, a little precious one was brought into this world. Christina Ann, you already have so many people in this world that love you.

My Relationship With a Biploar Person

Lately, I have found it hard to write large pieces rather fragmented thoughts.  Lately means the last year or so.  I am not sure whether this is from my last year of college and burn out or trying to navigate the world in a different way post graduation.  Post-graduation life almost hints that there is less room for error and more of an incentive to succeed.

One of my biggest challenges this year has been learning how to leave behind and grow from a relationship that I had with a bipolar person.   The relationship wasn't one that lasted consistently over a period of years, it was one that was off and on for 5 years.  No romantic relationship that I have had before, during, or after has been as emotionally intense.  My love was the strongest for the person, while being the most destructive to my self-esteem and self-worth.  Unfortunately, I don't know if it is the same for the other person. The most painful part is that if this person could have gained control of the bipolar disorder, I really think that we could have been a family- a forever family.

I can recount the steps of attachment in our relationship.  I first met him when I was at a party with his older brother. Then, as I got older, I had to move in with their family.  I still really didn't notice him. I visited a lot and he kept in contact when I moved across the country for college, but at that time I thought of him as a little brother.  That is when I noticed that he had challenges controlling his emotions and bouts with depression.  I sympathized and wanted to be a source of strength.  When I came home to visit from college for holiday breaks I would stay with his family.  That is when our relationship started to change.

After freshman year, I begin to think I had romantic feelings for him. I did, and they were strong. We would talk at night and discuss everything. I knew his secrets, or at least I thought I did.  How could I tell the difference?  Every time I would come to see him over the next three years we would have the most intense rekindling of romantic emotion. When I held his hand, I could feel the electric running through my skin. At night, I wouldn't sleep because I was so enthralled to spend every moment talking to him that I could. However, every time I would leave in order to go back to school a sling-shot of negative behaviors would have me up against the wall fighting for air.  This isn't to say that every time we were together it was positive or every time that we were apart it was negative, but that was the general pattern.

In fact, every time I was visiting a few days before I would have to leave to go home, he would start verbally attacking me or acting so distant that I would start questioning my sense of sanity/reality.  Did we really just have that fantastic night on the beach? What he told other people and what I was experiencing was drastically different.   I wanted to help him, because I knew he would be happier and it would benefit our communication and relationship. When I couldn't do it I felt like a failure. Could I have given him more, was a positive enough? Was I enough to make him happy?

I know that he is a great, kind, humorous, and thoughtful person. I saw it and I felt it. Hell, I LOVED him with everything that I had. Everything I did was an attempt to make sure that we would have a stable and secure future together. But I couldn't manage or navigate dealing with his bipolar disorder.  I couldn't tell when I was talking to him or dealing with an episode.  I'm not a doctor and I didn't want to be his doctor. I wanted to be his lover. The Bipolar disorder would leave me so distraught that I made terrible, hurtful decisions because I was unsure of how to protect myself.

The past year has been a struggle because I feel like I failed in dealing with a mental illness at the cost of a person I loved most in the world. I wasn't strong enough to distinguish him from his battle, and am overcome with a sense of guilt at the pain I caused because of that.

Times Change

My best friend is in labor!!! Within a few hours, Michelle will be a mom to a wonderful baby girl.  This is what Michelle has wanted for a very long time.  She has always been a family-starter kinda gal.  The path she took to get there wasn't the traditional route.  Many nights we spent on the road, in the back seats of cars, or in hotel rooms across the country.  We have been to Virgina, St. Louis, Palmdale, Columbus, Chicago, Philly, NYC, and all over NJ just having a blast in our late teenage years and our early 20's. 

Now, she will be a mom. I hope that she cherishes the time spent with her daughter and teaches her how to be an independent adventurer just like she was.  I also hope that her daughter learns how to use the system to her advantage like we did. 

From the third member of the Heartbreak Brigade, I give you permission to break hearts as you learn about the world and yourself. 

NJ

You never let me sleep.

It's Picture Time

Newfoundland

After 23 years of pronouncing Newfoundland incorrectly, I am incessantly practicing how to say it correctly in my head.  Frankly, I have also begun to speak in an accent.

Day 1: Flight from Newark to St. John's, An avid customs agent questioning me on things I had no idea about. A cousin waiting with a homemade sign. Switching hotels in the middle of the night.

Day 2:  A journery to Signal Hill. A few pubs at 10 in the morning. Cape Spear. A ride to Carbonear. SOO much cousin love.

Day 3: Rain. Walking in the morning rain. Jet lag. Experiencing Newfoundland shopping culture.

Day 4: A long ride along th Irish Loop including Bay of Bulls and Cape Broyle.  A boast ride w/LOTS of the cutest PUFFINS!!! I LOVE PUFFINS!!!! Buy me one. We also got lost a million times until someone decided to just let me drive... oh, and Bakeapples. Jams and bakeapples from the side of the road.

Three more days... and then back to NJ for a bit.

New Jersey!

Yesterday, I was in Baltimore, Maryland for the last day of the conference.  I ate lunch with a friend at the harbor and then made my way up to NJ by vehicle. The East Coast roads are so much busier than what I am used to now.

Today, I visited with my best friend. She's pregnant and about to burst with life any minute.   Spending the day with her made me remember what it was like to be a teenager and all the times that we had.  She is going to be a mom now. She seems ready.  I longed to also be a mom, even though I know I am not ready to have kids.  The one person I would have been willing to have children with isn't in my life any more. I wonder if I ever will have kids now.  She reminded me of that.

That kind of love where you buy socks for the other person and the comfortable and passionate kind of love. To know it is so close, but not be able to get that person's attention. Trying not to go, but wanting to so badly.

Quote of the DAY: "I can't believe it.  I'm singing and dancing in the rain, with white people." Exit made.

Oh, Baltimore you have brought me a wonderful conference and come run-ins with great college and high school friends.

Meep.

Pre-Conference Day: Check

I get to write a briefing and part of a curriculum. Woo.

Can't wait to go to Newfoundland next Monday.

Say Lou Lou

"Had a dream that I could teach you how to love 
My machine hired to reach inside your rib cage 
Flick a switch and you engage 
See the laugh burst across your face 
Had a dream that I could teach you how to love 
My machine hired to reach inside your rib cage 
Flick a switch and you engage."

Note to self

You were never good at settling for anything less than you envisioned. At times this quality is inconvenient, but you have accomplished and learned so much because of it.

If you feel like you are missing a vital aspect of life, you are allowed to settle at 30 but only if:

1. You've stopped traveling and are willing to set up shop in an abode.

2. You have fallen so ridiculously in love that you cannot function properly without the feelings of bliss you know is available to you. 

3. You've lost the ambition to push for more horizons.

These are entirely conditional and if you meet someone who doesn't necessitate settling, by all means, go full force.

Travel Blogs

Alas, I am not an award-winning novelist and am thus not qualified to write blogs about my numerous adventures. I am much better at writing short witty comments about my travel as it is happening.  Those comments are enclosed for all to see via my lovely and enchanting tumblr.  Here I can describe my travel in fragments...


Bus from Sacramento to L.A.: Finished a book with excerpts from pilgrimages that people have made
Bus from L.A. to Phoenix: Bus Driver was sassy and didn't allow anyone to talk. She also made us transfer buses at 2am. Due to my short hair, it was easier to stay under wraps.
Bus from Phoenix to El Paso, Texas: Uneventful, I think I listened to music and slept during this portion
Bus from El Paso to Dallas: Well, I woke up at Border Patrol, which means that we spent some time in Mexico.  That was not in my itinerary, however that's okay, I came out alive. No authentic enchiladas for me.
Bus from Dallas to Birmingham: Finished another book about women traveling around the world. Not pansy ones either... like actually going for it.
Then my last bus was canceled and a friend drove the last leg from Montgomery to pick me up. It was only an hour so it wasn't that bad. After three days of being on the bus and experiencing a wide array of sexism and homophobic comments, I was offered a cold pop and a night in some man's house. I declined.

Within the last two days I have been to Martin Luther King Jr's home and the shores of the Gulf of Mexico.

Noteworthy: The Gulf of Mexico was extremely warm. I also used a friend's goggles and saw some large fish.  I knew I felt something by my feet.  The first kind I saw was like a mini-shark ( not trying to catch that -ish) but the second type was a beautiful fish with yellow. I tried to catch that one to show a friend who doesn't know how to swim, I was very unsuccessful.  Apparently, I can't maneuver as fast as a fish in water. Oh well, we had a blast.

The West Wing

The West Wing is such an accurate portrayal of how political discussions occur.  Wit and intellect is required in conversation and written account, however there will always be times when you lack tact.  In those moments, you learn the most how what it is to work with other people in a country with such diverse stakes in resources.

During the past few years, I wanted to steer clear of policy work. The West Wing inspires me. I think I just needed to broaden my scope out of child welfare.  I needed a policy scope that is more comprehensive.

In other news, I will be traveling to Seattle tomorrow to look at apartments. Woohoo. UW mixer.

Bastille Gets Me, Really Gets Me

"Bad Blood"

We were young and drinking in the park
There was nowhere else to go
And you said you always had my back
Oh but how were we to know

That these are the days that bind you together, forever
And these little things define you forever, forever

All this bad blood here, won't you let it dry?
It's been cold for years, won't you let it lie?

If we're only ever looking back
We will drive ourselves insane
As the friendship goes resentment grows
We will walk our different ways

But those are the days that bind us together, forever
And those little things define us forever, forever

All this bad blood here, won't you let it dry?
It's been cold for years, won't you let it lie?

And I don't wanna hear about the bad blood anymore
I don't wanna hear you talk about it anymore
I don't wanna hear about the bad blood anymore
I don't wanna hear you talk about it anymore

All this bad blood here, won't you let it dry?
It's been cold for years, won't you let it lie?

On the road again.

During the next two weeks, I get to:

-Go to Seattle to find housing
-Say Goodbye to everyone in California (which includes some time in Oakland, SF, and perhaps the South Bay)
-Take as many pictures of street art in Sacramento that I can manage

And then:

-take the bus to Montgomery, Alabama for three days
-Fly to D.C. to a conference
-Find a way to NJ for two days
-Fly to New Foundland for a week (this includes some kayaking and whale watching while kayaking)
-Occupy myself in NJ for another week
-Fly back to Cali
-Pack for a day
-Drive to Seattle
-MOVE IN (if I can find suitable roomates)

Being A Support

The three most important people in my life are men.  They gained this position not only based on their impact on my views, but the love that I hold for each of them individually and how they relate to each other.

Each of them was a victim of abuse as a child. I never knew how to actually address the situation with them.  Sometimes, i would listen. During other times, I would push them towards treatment.  Neither was very effective.  Looking back, I felt overwhelmed with how to deal with the deep shame and guilt and how that intersects with modern day masculinity. I failed.

I wish that I had this website then: 1in6.org

A Night, A Night

To my very lucky surprise I had a marvlous night eating seaweed salad and vegetarian sushi followed by a stroll in the Capitol's Rose Garden.

(It's hard to articulate the feelings I have about the Trayvon Martin case.  I think it illuminates why we need to analyze the systematic implementation of racist public policy and how even a jury can be left with their hands tied when confronted with it.  In order to ensure that every person in the U.S. receives their constitutional right to a fair trial, the laws that are being enforced need to be representative and fair for the populace seeking justice.)

This was all after I gave a driving lesson to a youth. Tonight was the first night that we left the parking lot. I now truly understand the fear that parents have when teaching their children how to drive.  Alas, I only had to grab the steering wheel once in order to save us from an accident.  Although, it is notably difficult to keep a monotone instructional voice when inches away from grazing the car to your right.  

But, progress!

And when you doubt yourself, and then everything falls into place.

I can make a little rag-tag family in Seattle. :)

Camping- Mt. Shasta

This week I took a break from techonology and went camping with some friends in Northern California . We went up to Lake Shasta to camp and ventured to Lake Siskiyou to watch the fireworks.

On Friday, we went on an epic hike with a 4 year old and two dogs. Twice, we had to cross the river swimming with all our stuff above our heads.  I have never done this before, so yes, the first crossing was rather comical. Actually, I had to do the first crossing twice because I had to do a test run.  Thank goodness I did because I lost my balance the first time and float into the current a bit.

Picture Time!

 My chosen sister graduates with a degree in Earth Systems!!

 CELEBRATING THE RIGHT FOR MARRIAGE AT THE CALIFORNIA STATE CAPITOL!

PET Names

If you ever find yourself in the verge of dating me, beware. These are the most like nicknames that I will call you. And yes, I researched these carefully.

1. My little cabbage

2. meine süße 

3. babushka

4. jujube

5. Gizmo

6.Puffin

7. Honey Suckle

8. Love Nugget

9. Sugar Puff

10. Pumpkin

11. Casanova 

My Playlist

As I go through my favorite playlist on IndieShuffle, I am realizing that all of the songs are about a slighted lover or a lover departing.

For instance, take the first song by Daughter.

                                                                        "Medicine"

Pick it up, pick it all up.
And start again.
You've got a second chance,
you could go home.
Escape it all.
It's just irrelevant.

It's just medicine.
It's just medicine.

You could still be,
what you want to,
What you said you were,
when I met you.

You've got a warm heart,
you've got a beautiful brain.
But it's disintegrating,
from all the medicine.
from all the medicine.
from all the medicine.
Medicine.

You could still be,
what you want to,
What you said you were,
when you met me.

You could still be,
what you want to.
What you said you were,
when I met you.
when you met me.
when I met you.

Ooooooooo...
Ooooooooo...

Because, that's when I realized they are all, in some way, relevant to you. 

Tactless Twenties

Never in my life did I imagine myself finding more substantial meaning in Blink-182's song "What's My Age Again?" than entertainment... until it happened today.   This isn't to say that I myself feel like the protaganist in the song.  I feel like I am witnessing two very distinct experiences of the mid-twenty something years play out.

 Hometown/High School Friends vs. College Friends

The hometown/ high school friends that I hear from are all getting married and having kids, or working at retail jobs that they despise. All of them like to party hard to put their life struggles on the back burner for a bit.  They are aware that this will be the majority of their life, rebelling a bit, but ultimately okay with this path as long as they can experience youth for a few more years.

My college friends seem to be the exploring type. Traveling, having lots of exploratory relationships, and trying to out-hip  one another.  Their 20's are more self-indulgent and feel filled with a misdirected angst at the world. It's an angst that almost feels hypocritical and is off-putting to me.  Especially because... well, I am just not that hip and recognize that compromise has to be a part of the game of life.

Polarization will get you nowhere in politics and discussions about society. In fact, when you reference obscure philosphy and thoery in mainstream policy recommendations, it seems snobby and aloof. The majority of Americans, and people in general, do not associate with those readings/writings/films and you need to learn how to integrate those thoughts into strategic critiques.

Maybe, I am just in the group of 20 somethings that is just too focused on my career and the expansion of useful knowledge to fit into those very broad and generalized groups.  I don't need the mayhem of drugs and relationship exploring.  I know what the let-downs and scary depths of human interaction can look like.  Bring me whats next please....

You go, Senator Wendy Davis.

Watching the political support that was sparked today in response to the actions of Senator Wendy Davis of Texas is inspiring.  Very rarely can a political figure engage in an action that evokes such a large public response.  Although I do not think that abortion laws and abortion clinic regulations should be the American public's highest concern at the moment, I think that the focus on women's rights (especially to their own bodies) is important to focus on and give attention too.

Working in policy, it is often that you see how disengaged the majority of people are.  I hear about the hearings and briefings on the budget and proposed legislation.  I see the small number of people in attendance. AND THIS IS CALIFORNIA!  California, the state in the U.S. with the highest population of people.

I want to state that I agree with Wendy's stance.  However, if you agree with her stance or not, you should recognize the ability she had to make people in the U.S. pay attention to legislation that effects their everyday lives.

Mentors

Late night talks about the complexities of life are the best.

Tonight's topic: Mentors

Distancing yourself from mentors can be very difficult.  You find a difference in values and realize that their guidance is opposite from the direction you want to take. Did they have your best interests in mind?

Or did you pass through the phase that they were able to give you advice about?

Relationships and roles can be so situational. They can evoke different thoughts and emotions that provoke action

Running from Composure

* Warning: This post is going to be raw.

When the term family is in question, I run emotionally cold. Especially after the last five years.

So, I'm sorry that you think you are in love, because I'm not. I tried to tell you I can't.

While I was in college, my younger brother broke my father's jaw in two places. My father had his jaw wired shut for 2 months.  The only caloric intake he had was from liquids through a straw because he couldn't open his mouth wider than that. It got infected.

Did I go home to help? No. I visited, but didn't spend more than 8 hours with him.

My little brother od-ed on heroin and was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. He was in the hospital for days.

I drove to Salt Lake City to see my sister.

My cousin od-ed on heroin Christmas morning. People used to think that we were twins.

I haven't talked to him since then.

My nephew was put into foster care, and my older bother and his girlfriend were sent into rehab.

I've only seen my nephew 3 times.

He got cancer. She fell down the stairs. He went to prison. He was hospitalized for psychological issues. She through herself across the house. He publicly pleaded for help for his life. She lives in a tent.

And when I was sitting in your living room, after he got bailed out of jail, I begged you not to give him money. I watched as his fists knocked the front door off of its hinges. I sat against the door keeping you both apart. And then I watched as he took pieces of your flesh out and ripped a handful of your facial hair out.

And I left. I went to college and talked about Hegel. I lived in a house more concerned with the amount of sodium in the food, and whether someone was vegan/vegetarian than someone's character.

In the process, I left my biological family, and let my ride-or-die made family think I didn't give a shit about them.

Man, I feel all kinds of shitty guilt right now.

In the night, or should I say more specifically at 3am, I write randomly in journals about the intersectionality of sociological theory and the acquisition and transfer of knowledge.  Then I proceed to write emails to the professors that taught me well.  I was so said that the best theorist teachers left after my sophomore year of college.  I think my last twp years of college would have been incredibly different if they had stayed.

I'm Wearing it

In the middle of the night, i make collages. They encircle every thought that I have about you.  Takes them and morphs them into dreams and ideas for a future reality.

Collecting social norms and disposing them in obscene gestures. It is just knitting, but the embroidery is swear words. It is just sewing, but the stitches are my silence. Yes, the silence that once kept that garment of inequality together is now what is creating my costume for activism. Standing up, clothed in recognition of the experiences that strengthen my claims for freedom.

You Can Learn to Dance

Even when the rhythm doesn't seem right or you took a long break in swaying your body in any kind of way.

I'm learning how to dance again. Dancing in a new way to a new tune.  I need to find a different atmosphere, but I will find it.  Then I will put my right foot out and let the rest of my body follow.

I will dance orange.

Fierce and without remorse.

My moves will burn bold.

I will dance red

Legs effortlessly intertwined in a battle for space

Lighting the dance floor of my life.

Link My Day

Tonight I went here: Sol Collective
And did some of this: Activist Art
By these lovely ladies: WORD

Adventure Time

Well, my flight to Portland turned out not to be as productive as I would have hoped.  I sat next to a woman who worked for the Horizon airline and she gave me a tour of Oregon from the sky.  The view of Crater Lake was amazing. Unfortunately, I was too embarassed of my excitement to take a photo.

When I landed in Portland I took the MAX light rail to downtown in order to catch the Greyhound to Seaside, but when I arrived I realized that there were no other buses headed to the coast that day.  As such, I was stranded in Portland.  Walking around the city, I stumbled upon the food trucks and had some friendly conversation.  The people of the Pacific Northwest are a rare and kind breed. It was delightful.  While waiting for someone to drive the 120 miles from the coast, I had a conversation with a man on the steps of a Korean Church.

So in the end, I didn't write a comprehensive blog post on anything in particular, but I had a great adventure.

Forward, Backward Chroniciling

As I am unable to sleep and walking around this late in this neighborhood may alert suspicion, I am giving myself over to chroniciling my thoughts.  (Writing the word 'chroniciling' is like endeavoring on a challenge only to find you've mistakenly mastered it.)

There are a few things I have been thinking about lately:

1. How healthy relationship education could be integrated into public systems of education
2. Appropriation of culture vs. Showing respect/admiration/being an advocate
3. The impact that fiscal constraints can have on social anxiety

3. If people realized how to appropriately spend within their means, with an intent to save for emergencies, either people would cease to buy so many material objects OR people would become respective hermits. Within the last 12 months, I became a hermit with occasional outings.  I also looked at work travel as personal travel experiences. (NOT THE SAME). Massive burn-out ensues and this is not a great attempt at work/life boundaries.

2. Seriously, FUCK some activists. Appropriating an issue for your personal ego gain to add to your resume as an advocate is annoying. Shut up. I don't value your opinion. I also don't value picking out a small detail of an issue and inflating it to be larger than the main issue at hand. TOUCHE, you may make some valid arguments, but the inability to engage in a knowledgeable manner on important issues makes me seek other avenues for social change and news.

1. Do you think its possible to use best practices in the field of youth development to begin healthy relationship classes or training for educators in primary education?  And to get really specific, could we implement youth development principles into education credentials for teachers?
Ahh, teaching with a focus on expertise in material and facilitation of learning based on the foundations of youth development.  Well that would be splendid.