Self Evident Truths

On my day off, I am delightfully rummaging through queer theory on the interweb. This did not happen purposefully.  I had visited ted.com/talks just to see some updated videos and see if anything caught my attention. iO Tillett Wright did.  When I get very busy, one of the first things that I forget about myself is that I love art, especially photography that has a purpose.

iO's photograph campaign, Self Evident Truths, is such a powerful display of emotion and human reality.  Being so powerful, the pictures lend themselves and are made by the social cause that they were created for.  The context gives them voice.  There have been campaigns that hers have been modeled from, but the mission makes it new.  Or maybe the concept that we still haven't been able to look at those who are slightly different than use in a human lens is what keeps the idea fresh...

check out her Ted Talk: Fifty Shades of Gay
and her website: Self Evident Truths

Meditation Imagery

As a creature of habit, I am aware that when I meditate, I go to a place of familiar solitude.  When I first started meditating as a teenager I used to go along a path and end up in a circular grove surrounded my willow trees, whose branches gently kissed the full green grass.  In my mind, I would sit on the edge of the circle and let the branches whisp over my skin.

In college, I would go to a warm gray boulder in the afternoon sun that sat on the bank of a river within a forest.  I would lay on the rock in a sundress with the sun warming my skin.  The last couple of months have been a difficult time to meditate.  I couldn't focus, or maybe I just couldn't let go of my mind and my consciousness.  I started to realize how stress has such a strong affect on my physical being.  My skin, my appetite, lock jaw, and I even noticed that I completely stop breathing when I am feeling stressed.  My physical self could not let go of reality, so I was not able to put my physical self in my meditation imagery like I normally do.

But I found myself in my meditation today, sitting atop a cliff overlooking the ocean at dusk.  How amazing to notice the change of scenery.  I know it represents a shift in mindset.  I was in a place of relative comfort and a place where I could heal while I was in college.  Somewhere that was new, challenging but ultimately safe.  Now, I am facing the world of possibility.  I am joyful, but taking on the world with a somber seriousness.

Grief and Loss

Last week, the organization that I work for lost one their members in a car-bike accident. We were asked to support the chapter and the other members as they deal with their grief about the loss of a young, genuine soul.

I would love to be there, but I have no idea how.  In no point in my life have I ever dealt with grief in a natural way that was neither numb or full of resentment.  Recently, I have been meaning to find a workshop dealing with this issue and I found one in Berkeley, but the intensity that may surface terrifies me. But I know I should begin to learn these skills to be more of a support to those around me.

There is a debriefing activity that was suggested, having members write a letter to the person who passed that expresses unfinished matters and feelings/thoughts about the other person. After this, the entire group has the chance to share the letter with everyone else.  When this process is over, you can also give the option of lying the letter to rest.  Perhaps burying it near a tree or putting all of the letters in a box together.

Cathartic, that's the aim: an activity that perhaps begins or prompts the healing process.

The Power of Negotiation

Friday, I had my oil changed.  It wasn't until I had driven all the way from Sacramento to San Francisco that I realized, due to a disturbing sound originating from my engine, that they had failed to put new oil into my car.  Of course, the didn't forget to write recommendations on other things that may need work though. Afraid that if I called there would be no recourse, I didn't call to complain today.  I was trying to think how I would manage without a car for even two months.  Due to the nature of my job, I travel a lot so I picked up the phone and asked to talk to a manager.  I was deliberate in my tone and they agreed they would fix it at no cost and pay for the towing.  I was amazed how my "policy advocate voice" and way of expressing a point could get me better customer service. When I have gone about asking for compensation in other ways, I have always failed.  I picked a line and remained strictly professional to maintain that line until my needs were met.

I was listening to NPR the other day, and this man was talking about how he can negotiate 10,000 dollars off of the sticker price of a car.  I was I could talk a class in his stoic negotiation tactics.

It also helped me to keep in mind that the person who forgot, may have been having a really bad day.  Forgetting to do that wasn't intentional, and being aggressive in my mindset against this person would only further aggravate the situation.  We all forget sometimes and make mistakes, and yes that includes HUGE mistakes.  Keeping this perspective not only helped me in communicating my needs, but also in not allowing my frustration ruin my weekend...

BECAUSE I did some amazing things this weekend.  On Saturday evening, I spent the night at a friend's in San Francisco and we counted bonfires on the beach, ate overlooking the ocean, and drank hot chocolate before bed. Sunday, I had the chance to volunteer for the Youth Training Project's Winter Leadership Institute for their new youth trainers.  I love being able to be in community with this group of people.  Even though it was a lot of people preparing food for so many people, it was uplifting to see them work, and merely being with them.

Today, I rested.  I think MLK would respect that everyone needs a day to recenter themselves for their work.

I am Colorblind

As a child, I never understood the saying, "tears of joy". Crying was reserved for pain or emotional confusion. Shedding tears from something that made you feel happiness was too complex to grasp.

I understand now.  Now that I cry less, the meaning and significance of tears has changed. I still cry when I am sad, but I also cry when I am overwhelmed with joy.

I cry because I feel so grateful to have endured such pain, and be in such a beautiful place now.  I cry because on Saturday mornings I can sit with a cup of tea and enjoy the warmth that only a morning sun can bring, and I am full of love, despite chaos. Surviving has turned into thriving, and I love giving my energy back to youth in the position that I once was in, because there is hope for change. I can see that myself, because I am no longer empty. 

But I cry for other reasons too.. 

like being able to truly connect with my friends in a significant caring relationship. 

or being able to travel with my body intact and a mission to learn. 

or having enough confidence to know that I have a beautiful soul and I can share it. 

And these days, I have more tears of joy than tears of sorrow. 

*I have also consciously made the decision to infuse my apartment and living space with things that promote warmth, peace of mind, and inspiration.  Because of this, when I clean this is what my sink looks like:

I actually did not notice this until I looked up from my listless thoughts about laundry, and I saw how it laid out and I felt that I had to photo document this.

And lastly, a flower that I picked just for me.

Adult Life

Adult life is waking up before 6am on your day off, which you acquired as comp time for working a weekend, and being busy with tasks outside of the house until 5pm.  I was able to make some major segway on some tasks that I had been putting off, sadly laundry was not included in this list.

However, I bought all of my immunizations required for South Africa today! The travel clinic also made me a nifty traveler's guidebook.

While I was waiting, I also had the chance to look through some of their photo albums.  I am so excited to have the opportunity to take pictures like this soon:

Along the less exciting lines of my life, I had my hair fixed, my oil changed, and I got my Sacramento library card!  I learned that German hair coloring has green undertones in ash blonde and that that was why I have been feeling like my hair was green for the last 3 months.  Everyone was trying to be nice telling me that it wasn't green, but now I have professional evidence. :)

Hanging out with yourself.

Today was a long day.  I worked for ten hours in our San Francisco office after I spent the last two nights at a friend's apartment in Oakland.  So, after I took the BART to 19th street, downtown Oakland, walked to my car, drove home to Sacramento, and participated in a South Africa planning call (in which one of the organizers prank called someone in South Africa), I took some time to hang out with myself as I deleted some material off of my old computer.

Besides finding some gem material like, Where The Wild Things Are, I realized just how cool I think I am. Sometimes, I get so caught up in work that I forget to engage with the pieces of me that I find comfort in.

And I thought of this: How To Be Alone

Hang out with yourself.  It keeps you grounded. It rejuvenates you, and you remember things that you forgot you loved.