Today I realized I often stutter when I am thinking faster than I am able to speak. This then causes me to swallow and forget words. It is as if I am speaking 2 sentences behind what I am able to articulate and then I have to go back to try to remember the words I was using to illustrate a previous point.
Point number two that presented itself to me today, was that I get annoyed when a person does not fit into the persona that they presented to me and I accepted and trusted them to be. This usually happens to people that I work on projects with, or just work with in general. Largely, this is an issue because it is then difficult for me to perceive them in the role that they were assigned and/or generated for themselves. I become skeptical.
It is hard for me to resist the urge to micro-manage someone that has repeatedly asked for confirmation of the same material when numerous detailed answers have been given. Other than the fact that makes me feel like a mother, which I am not, it makes me feel like I am being placed with an undue burden of work. Being detail oriented is not a natural talent of mine. Over time I have cultivated this skill because I have seen how fundamental it is to organization. Naturally, I am a free spirit prone to act in a spontaneous manner that can be interpreted as irresponsible. I saw the burden this placed on my travel partners, friends, and mentors, so I challenged myself to take on this role. While working, I can handle this role, but I become agitated when it spills into my personal life. People just assume I enjoy doing this. In reality, I would RUN from this tendency if I was able to run around willow tree meadows in a sun dress all day.
Unfortunately, I don't get to run around in a sun dress in a willow tree meadow all day, and organization is a skill set I bring to projects. But I have limits, very real tangible limits, and when they are stretched I will begin to shut down emotionally. A condition which, I and the people around me, find ZERO enjoyment in.
Additionally, when I feel pushed into this position, I become upset that I have to change my vantage point of the other person. I do not entirely understand this yet, but it feels like broken trust. I value your personal time enough to make work a streamlined process, please do the same so I can take advantage of my personal time. Also, my mind works in a way an assembly line does, when I have to keep going to back to something, I get mentally fogged and start to feel as if the process itself is flawed.
Recently, I have been able to separate this work style from my personal life, and I want a way to diffuse it. I have to call my dad to talk this out, because he has the exact same tendency. He has the same life/work split. Work hard, play in whimsical nature.
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