An INFJ Explosion

I am having an INFJ explosion right now. It started last night and then I felt the deprivation of art. I think an INFJ explosion may be better explained as an implosion, but I am so disoriented that it is difficult to tell the difference.

Over the last year, I felt more that I was criticising myself, when this just happens to be my personality type. We have types and that is okay.

I need abstraction, and novels, and thai food, and a bandaid for my heart.

I could fell it for awhile, but I had been so distracted by school and the mission that I am pursuing that I didn't realize that the person that I loved was being entangled by someone else's affections. I knew in October/November. It changed, and that is why I couldn't be open. I was defensive.

How odd, how you can love a person and even though they love you, it is muted or altered because of the strong feeling (or I would even venture to say love) that someone else has for that person. And, its like, how didn't you know. How didn't you know that they loved you and they thought about you two being together for so long. There must have been more signs, and I wasn't even there and I could feel them. I could feel our dynamic change.

I thought that I had fallen out of love, but I could really just feel that the love was faded in some way and it wasn't genuine and untouched. And now its like a movie reel in my head. All th moments that I felt it. The same feeling that I felt last night when I read those texts, I had felt that before and now they are stringing themselves together like a movie- a really horrible movie.

I just read them over and over and over again last night, and felt it permeate into my heart. Truly loving someone is dangerous and you don't even know how deeply you feel that until you know what made that love change.

"wandering between two worlds-- one dead, the other powerless to be born."

Time to Turn Those Scars Into Action

"...but the white moderate who is more devoted to "order" than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says 'I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I can't agree with your methods of dirct action'; who paternalistically feels that he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by the myth of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait until a 'more convenient season.' Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptence is much more bewildering than outright rejection."- MLK Jr.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul. 

William Ernest Henley

Strength

What is strong?  I would say that strong is many different things to various people. The term is vague and applied to physical, mental, and emotional traits.

So, then what kind of strength do I look for in a partner or friend?

Emotional and mental strength. The depth of each depends on what I need or am willing to give to the relationship. In a partner, I need emotional and mental strength because my life is chaotic. I want to help that other person, but I want them to also be there for me.

Here is a list of the kinds of strengths that I want:

-Firm in speech, when you say something, do it. Don't be hesitant.
-Come back later and apologize if you were wrong, but until you get there, act with a purpose.
-Act. It is fine to be upset with something for awhile, but make a plan to fix it and act on it.
-Again, act. I want to be your cheerleader, but I don't want to feel like your mother.
-If you are upset about something, think about what you could have done to make that better. Not everything is everyone else's fault. Even when it is, there are things that you can do to mitigate the pain or ignore it.
- Cry, but don't let it consume you.. talk through it. Don't let your tears disempower you. Let them motivate you.
-Listen. Put your needs to the side for a minute. Listen.
-Ask difficult questions. Ask questions that you think the answer might hurt. If you are thinking them, but not asking them it will ruin the relationship.
-I'm honest, I'll tell you. Be prepared for honesty and willing to have a conversation about it.

Remember that there will be two people in the relationship and both have different ways of communicating. Make your list of things that you need. I need strength, or I don't want to be in a relationship. I would have more energy single if I am only giving strength and not receiving it.

Rainy Mornings

Every day I walk. I walk to and from law school, which is just over 2 miles.   I haven't been able to peel myself out of bed as early as the first few weeks of school, but I am usually on the road by 7am.  Putting my scarf over my head, I walk into the Seattle rain.

Seattle rain is different than rain anywhere else.  It isn't foreboding, it invites you to walk. You may get a little damp. You may choose to wear sturdier footwear. However, the rain never blocks your line of vision. I would be lying to you if I said walking through the rain in Seattle didn't feel like I was walking through a music video.

Yes, sometimes I would really like to take the bus.  In the mornings, often I dread going to class and I just want to plop myself on the sidewalk, and then I realize that if I did that no one would come looking or even tell me o get up off the cement and go to class. After I realize this, I convince myself that that takes all of the fun out of being stubborn.

Ha, because I am 24 now. And even if I lived near more family and friends, I doubt that they would tell a 24 year old what to do not to be a screw-up.

The weeks are going by so fast. I know I am missing moments with my friends. Hopefully this is worth it.

I don't have the energy to spend on responding. My energy lasts just long enough for me to take care of myself and complete the work needed for law school.

xoxo
Crys

WHAT?!? A blog post

When I began law school, I had the grand idea that I would document my journey. I really wish I had thus far. By far, my entries would be drenched in the pain of learning law and realizing that I no longer am able to have a life outside of law school. However, I feel like so much has happened... that is not true. Perhaps my brain is just growing at rapid speed and the lens at which I look at the world is changing.

It is.

My birthday was this weekend and that added a bit of spice to the mix. I spent the majority of the day alone and then went bowling with some friends. It really is nice just to get your hair and nails done some days. AND, my hair is now long enough that I can style it again. THANK. GOD. Cutting my hair short was traumatic.

I then proceeded to spend the next two days in a cafe. Also, someone keeps letting the air out of my back tires. They are going to be the cause of my death... mostly bc I didn't check on my birthday and then drove on the highway. I felt the car moving underneath me. Scary.

Otherwise, the older I get, the better birthdays get. I go so many great cards from friends and little gifts that made my day. <3

SO many other things... but sleep is so close.