4 cups of coffee into the day and I am still exhausted.
The past few days have been a whirlwind of getting ready for South Africa, completing coursework for this online class I have been doing, getting work projects into order, and visiting with friends I haven't seen in a long time. I Have been California City hopping since Friday, and I will not be finished with this city hopping pattern until I am on the plane for Johannesburg.
But! I had a semi-college night last night when I visited the Earth Sciences building at Stanford with a friend, and completed my taxes! One big thing off of my to-do list.
And I did a massive prep trip to the sales section of Target and got the majority of extras that I will need for the trip.
This is what your 20's are for.. living fast and working hard. I'm going to make this life full of memories of all kinds.
No more coffee for today though...
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Willow Trees and Sun Dresses > Work Organization
Today I realized I often stutter when I am thinking faster than I am able to speak. This then causes me to swallow and forget words. It is as if I am speaking 2 sentences behind what I am able to articulate and then I have to go back to try to remember the words I was using to illustrate a previous point.
Point number two that presented itself to me today, was that I get annoyed when a person does not fit into the persona that they presented to me and I accepted and trusted them to be. This usually happens to people that I work on projects with, or just work with in general. Largely, this is an issue because it is then difficult for me to perceive them in the role that they were assigned and/or generated for themselves. I become skeptical.
It is hard for me to resist the urge to micro-manage someone that has repeatedly asked for confirmation of the same material when numerous detailed answers have been given. Other than the fact that makes me feel like a mother, which I am not, it makes me feel like I am being placed with an undue burden of work. Being detail oriented is not a natural talent of mine. Over time I have cultivated this skill because I have seen how fundamental it is to organization. Naturally, I am a free spirit prone to act in a spontaneous manner that can be interpreted as irresponsible. I saw the burden this placed on my travel partners, friends, and mentors, so I challenged myself to take on this role. While working, I can handle this role, but I become agitated when it spills into my personal life. People just assume I enjoy doing this. In reality, I would RUN from this tendency if I was able to run around willow tree meadows in a sun dress all day.
Unfortunately, I don't get to run around in a sun dress in a willow tree meadow all day, and organization is a skill set I bring to projects. But I have limits, very real tangible limits, and when they are stretched I will begin to shut down emotionally. A condition which, I and the people around me, find ZERO enjoyment in.
Additionally, when I feel pushed into this position, I become upset that I have to change my vantage point of the other person. I do not entirely understand this yet, but it feels like broken trust. I value your personal time enough to make work a streamlined process, please do the same so I can take advantage of my personal time. Also, my mind works in a way an assembly line does, when I have to keep going to back to something, I get mentally fogged and start to feel as if the process itself is flawed.
Recently, I have been able to separate this work style from my personal life, and I want a way to diffuse it. I have to call my dad to talk this out, because he has the exact same tendency. He has the same life/work split. Work hard, play in whimsical nature.
Point number two that presented itself to me today, was that I get annoyed when a person does not fit into the persona that they presented to me and I accepted and trusted them to be. This usually happens to people that I work on projects with, or just work with in general. Largely, this is an issue because it is then difficult for me to perceive them in the role that they were assigned and/or generated for themselves. I become skeptical.
It is hard for me to resist the urge to micro-manage someone that has repeatedly asked for confirmation of the same material when numerous detailed answers have been given. Other than the fact that makes me feel like a mother, which I am not, it makes me feel like I am being placed with an undue burden of work. Being detail oriented is not a natural talent of mine. Over time I have cultivated this skill because I have seen how fundamental it is to organization. Naturally, I am a free spirit prone to act in a spontaneous manner that can be interpreted as irresponsible. I saw the burden this placed on my travel partners, friends, and mentors, so I challenged myself to take on this role. While working, I can handle this role, but I become agitated when it spills into my personal life. People just assume I enjoy doing this. In reality, I would RUN from this tendency if I was able to run around willow tree meadows in a sun dress all day.
Unfortunately, I don't get to run around in a sun dress in a willow tree meadow all day, and organization is a skill set I bring to projects. But I have limits, very real tangible limits, and when they are stretched I will begin to shut down emotionally. A condition which, I and the people around me, find ZERO enjoyment in.
Additionally, when I feel pushed into this position, I become upset that I have to change my vantage point of the other person. I do not entirely understand this yet, but it feels like broken trust. I value your personal time enough to make work a streamlined process, please do the same so I can take advantage of my personal time. Also, my mind works in a way an assembly line does, when I have to keep going to back to something, I get mentally fogged and start to feel as if the process itself is flawed.
Recently, I have been able to separate this work style from my personal life, and I want a way to diffuse it. I have to call my dad to talk this out, because he has the exact same tendency. He has the same life/work split. Work hard, play in whimsical nature.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Oh no!
When my alarm went off at 5:30 this morning, I just lied there and thought. No, no, no. I cannot be sick. I am going to Africa in 7 days. Please. Alas, no amount of universal begging would reverse what was biologically going on in my body, so I took a large dose of Robitussin and began hitting my snooze button until 8am. Nope, I was not going to be able to make it to work, I need to take some more medicine and rest.
Answering emails was fine until about 10am when I started to have lucid dreams and my spelling turned into whimsical languages from a different land. And then I slept, all day. Thankfully, I think this has done the world of good for me and will be up and chipper tomorrow.
Which brings me to the real reason why I decided that I needed to post in my self-proclaimed internet journal: Innate Joy for someone else's development and growth.
I just received a text from one of the youth that is engaged in some of the activities that I help coordinate. Just this sentence alone is profound. She texted me! This means that she has a phone! And she wanted to check in and let me know!! What?! I felt so proud and happy for her. Is this what a mom feels like? I keep thinking, oh wow this will open doors and create opportunities for her future. Could I write a letter of recommendation for her one day? How do you write a letter of recommendation? What assets would I focus on and highlight?
Yes, this is a big jump. But I was so happy that I couldn't contain myself. I really love this transition that I am in. I like this change of thought. It gives me so many more reasons to find joy.
Answering emails was fine until about 10am when I started to have lucid dreams and my spelling turned into whimsical languages from a different land. And then I slept, all day. Thankfully, I think this has done the world of good for me and will be up and chipper tomorrow.
Which brings me to the real reason why I decided that I needed to post in my self-proclaimed internet journal: Innate Joy for someone else's development and growth.
I just received a text from one of the youth that is engaged in some of the activities that I help coordinate. Just this sentence alone is profound. She texted me! This means that she has a phone! And she wanted to check in and let me know!! What?! I felt so proud and happy for her. Is this what a mom feels like? I keep thinking, oh wow this will open doors and create opportunities for her future. Could I write a letter of recommendation for her one day? How do you write a letter of recommendation? What assets would I focus on and highlight?
Yes, this is a big jump. But I was so happy that I couldn't contain myself. I really love this transition that I am in. I like this change of thought. It gives me so many more reasons to find joy.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
An Excerpt
This is an excerpt from a short story that I read in the middle of the night last night. Sometimes, my anemia cause me to pass out at 6:30 and then I wake up at 2am and read essays.
"I’ve told a lot of harrowing stories about those four months in Indonesia, but this is the part I always leave out, the detail that undoes the narrative I’ve spent the better part of my adult life trying to construct: Throughout it all, I was in pain. Throughout my entire adult life, in fact—eleven years—I’ve been in varying degrees of it, sometimes crippling, other times a low hum that has become the background noise of my life. Either way, it’s burrowed so deep in me that it has become one of the most defining parts of myself, the origin of every desire and every fear, the place I spend the majority of my energy either tending to or ignoring. At 21, when I was diagnosed, I flew home to California for a year to recover, but in those three intervening years between my diagnosis and this misguided volcano hike, I hadn’t gotten much better. My life, once full of ambition, had slowed, but, before this trip, I still thought of myself a certain way, thought, this isn’t really my life—I’m just on a break. I still felt like I could be the author of my own story. But pain, as Melanie Thernstrom says in The Pain Chronicles, rewrites us. And to admit that pain had rewritten me felt like an unforgiveable failure, an admittance of shame."- The Art of Omission by Simone Gorrindo
"I’ve told a lot of harrowing stories about those four months in Indonesia, but this is the part I always leave out, the detail that undoes the narrative I’ve spent the better part of my adult life trying to construct: Throughout it all, I was in pain. Throughout my entire adult life, in fact—eleven years—I’ve been in varying degrees of it, sometimes crippling, other times a low hum that has become the background noise of my life. Either way, it’s burrowed so deep in me that it has become one of the most defining parts of myself, the origin of every desire and every fear, the place I spend the majority of my energy either tending to or ignoring. At 21, when I was diagnosed, I flew home to California for a year to recover, but in those three intervening years between my diagnosis and this misguided volcano hike, I hadn’t gotten much better. My life, once full of ambition, had slowed, but, before this trip, I still thought of myself a certain way, thought, this isn’t really my life—I’m just on a break. I still felt like I could be the author of my own story. But pain, as Melanie Thernstrom says in The Pain Chronicles, rewrites us. And to admit that pain had rewritten me felt like an unforgiveable failure, an admittance of shame."- The Art of Omission by Simone Gorrindo
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Saturday Sale Searching
I really love doing things in a quirky way. Instead of driving while doing my Saturday sale searching I decided to drive. GREAT DECISION! I find that life can be boring if you do not open yourself up to the more difficult or less popular option. Albeit, I did not realize how far my walk was going to become or how I couldn't actually carry anything that I wanted to buy.
I'm getting sidetracked...
My point is that along my journey that I was beginning to think wasn't worthwhile, (Yes, even when I was very tempted by all the old lady blazers and flannel in GoodWill and did not buy anything because I was being prudent in anticipating my coming trip to South Africa) I found joy. I left GoodWill and was walking down the street when I passed a homeless man. People always tell me that making eye contact is dangerous, but I always make eye contact and respond when someone says something to me. I have never been harmed, and I think my openness actually disarms the other person with surprise. He smiled at me and extended his Capri Sun to me, and said "here you are".
I replied, "No thank you, but thanks for offering." Never stopping my calm stride.
He looked after me and said excitedly, "Thank you."
To which I turned my head and said warmly, "Have a great day sir." He followed me with his eyes, a great smile, and a little chuckle.
What a guy. In his offer, he showed such genuine kindness and joy, despite his position. Sitting on a curb, eating what lunch he could gather or be given. His actions speak to a natural human impulse to give as well as receive. How amazing is it to be able to share that with someone.
I appreciated his offer even if I did not need a Capri Sun. He made my day.
I'm getting sidetracked...
My point is that along my journey that I was beginning to think wasn't worthwhile, (Yes, even when I was very tempted by all the old lady blazers and flannel in GoodWill and did not buy anything because I was being prudent in anticipating my coming trip to South Africa) I found joy. I left GoodWill and was walking down the street when I passed a homeless man. People always tell me that making eye contact is dangerous, but I always make eye contact and respond when someone says something to me. I have never been harmed, and I think my openness actually disarms the other person with surprise. He smiled at me and extended his Capri Sun to me, and said "here you are".
I replied, "No thank you, but thanks for offering." Never stopping my calm stride.
He looked after me and said excitedly, "Thank you."
To which I turned my head and said warmly, "Have a great day sir." He followed me with his eyes, a great smile, and a little chuckle.
What a guy. In his offer, he showed such genuine kindness and joy, despite his position. Sitting on a curb, eating what lunch he could gather or be given. His actions speak to a natural human impulse to give as well as receive. How amazing is it to be able to share that with someone.
I appreciated his offer even if I did not need a Capri Sun. He made my day.
Intentional Acts of Happiness
As I was walking home from work yesterday, I saw teenage twin sisters hanging upside down from a set of monkey bars playing patty cake. Their red haired ponytails where swinging in the wind and you couldn't help but share in their joyous smiles as you walked by. When I was walking by, a couple also passed on my laugh. We all looked at each other like we were sharing this moment of silliness and we would be embarrassed if our friends caught us taking pleasure in this.
Moments like this seem so contrived. Not the shared experience, but it was intentional silliness that was off the cuff. More often than not, I still derive a lot of pleasure from them. I begin to think if something about it was artificial or wrong. And then I thought some more.. and decided that part of intentional living is finding and engaging in activities that you find joy in. The beginning moments are contrived at times, but that doesn't detract from the actual joy that life brings you. There are moments when you have to put effort into performing actions that will illicit a response of happiness. Moments like this can happen spontaneously, but not always.
You can take the steps to live in intentional happiness, and that joy is real.
Moments like this seem so contrived. Not the shared experience, but it was intentional silliness that was off the cuff. More often than not, I still derive a lot of pleasure from them. I begin to think if something about it was artificial or wrong. And then I thought some more.. and decided that part of intentional living is finding and engaging in activities that you find joy in. The beginning moments are contrived at times, but that doesn't detract from the actual joy that life brings you. There are moments when you have to put effort into performing actions that will illicit a response of happiness. Moments like this can happen spontaneously, but not always.
You can take the steps to live in intentional happiness, and that joy is real.
A Second Chance.
The energy that love invigorates you with is amazing. I guess I forgot for awhile, but then I lived today..
Finding symbolism in the things that surround me..
A hipster cafe that gave me flashbacks of Berlin...
And a perfectly lovely craft night... but now I have to address the envelopes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)