A Stanza of Heroin

Opiates and I have a history. We were family members, and more often then not, the family member that was preferred to me. Specifically, the opiate of great familial presence was heroin. Heroin took the place of me in my immediate family as a daughter and a sister.  There is a lot of resentment between me and this drug.  Reminders of this drug, and other strong opiates, cause me to revert to a place of trauma and make the holidays really difficult for me to manage in the presence of others.

Well, hey, what are the scientific signs of herion abuse and its effect on users:

Livestrong.com states them as so... "Heroin abuse can cause drastic physical changes in the user. One telltale sign of heroin abuse is the presence of needle marks on the arms, legs or feet. "Nodding out" (appearing to fall asleep suddenly) is a sign of acute heroin intoxication, as are dilated pupils and slurred speech. Changes in weight and sleeping patterns are also common among opiate abusers. 

Some users may neglect personal hygiene and nutrition, causing them to appear disheveled or disoriented. Pale skin and dark circles under the eyes can also signal a heroin abuse problem.

Many users appear lethargic or unmotivated and may have unpredictable mood swings. Cognitive functions like memory and problem-solving are often impaired, which may cause frustration for the user. Symptoms typical of depression, such as loss of interest in hobbies and lowered sex drive, can also signal heroin abuse. Some users report an increased craving for sweets, which may lead to excessive sugar consumption and weight gain.

Heroin users often lose interest in previous friends and hobbies in favor of getting high with fellow addicts. Previously ambitious, self-motivated people may become unmotivated and neglect things like personal hygiene. According to Heroinabuse.us, a decrease in performance, such as a drop in grades or work attendance, can sometimes signal heroin abuse. Financial troubles often lead heroin abusers to request money, food or other forms of assistance from loved ones and may even drive users to commit crimes in order to maintain their habit."

Article Here

 Growing up in the midst of it, I didn't understand the motivations behind drug use and I always wanted to live a life that was separate from the pain and despair that it caused. Thus, I am also grateful that herion allowed me the chance to escape, and grateful that I was placed into foster care at the age of 13.

Serving as a divider between my loved ones and I, herion launched me into exploring the sociological theories or how people interact with culture, economy, and governing structures. From a young age, I debated the place that mind altering substances had in interpersonal and intrapersonal interactions. But it also makes me revert to a child when confronting family or those who have harmed me while on the substance.  Because of my experiences, I never experimented with hard drugs and I will not associate personally with anyone who uses it. 

I feel some poetic attachment with herion.. where I draw my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. 

Podcasts

Road tripping with co-workers is the best.  We did not listen to any music on the way from San Francisco to Eureka, but I was gently introduced to the world of podcasts and audible books.  It is great to listen to technology podcasts instead of having to read about them myself.  These will come especially in handy, because it is looking like my working life will become one that is primarily based around traveling.

Podcasts are a great way to have a lesson in something when you are preoccupied with doing something else, or don't wish to engage with other people.

First Round of Cities

Over the weekend, I had the chance to make my first round of an anticipated many of three great cities with some great company.  Sacramento, Oakland, and San Francisco have so much to offer when it comes to people and opportunities to engage in youth advocacy work.

Pooling on those resources and starting to brainstorm smarter ways to travel, as well as ways to document and organize that travel. Ready. Set. Go.

Before the movie, the book

My ability to devour a book in its entirety in one day is truly a gift sometimes. Albeit, I wish I was slower with some books to truly take in every sentence.  However, i suppose not every sentence has meaning.

A few weeks ago, I was intent on watching The Perks of Being A Wallflower.  This plan failed because of some very unfortunate events, and I choose to wallow in those instead of watching a boot-legged version that my friends and found on the internet.  In the heat of the last few weeks, I forgot about the film. This was until I decided to check out a book club that was reading the perks of being a wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.  Last night, before heading to the roller rink for some down time, I picked the book up from Barnes and Noble.

I AM SO GLAD I DID.  Now, I am excited to see the film interpretation of the book.  Yet, I am fully aware that it will not be the same.

For some reason, I have been dreaming about people I knew in high school lately.  These are never particularly fond dreams, as I was an outcast, especially during my junior and senior years.  Or maybe that was the first time I was able to be vocal about it.  This book sheds light on some of those issues, and how high school can truly be formative years for the development of a person's personality.  High school isn't as profound as college and the course material did not serve to make me an enlightened individual, college did that.  But high school made me realize a lot about people and the social dynamic of people functioning in groups.  I will carry those lessons with me forever.

Making a Relationship Zen

I've heard post-graduation, that life was full of ups, downs, and curves.  The decade between 20 and 30 is a building block.  This year is proving to be a year of challenge and growth.  When I was speaking to one of my mentors on the phone while I was in Salt Lake City, she said, "It doesn't get easier, it just gets different."  2012 has been different, and the latter part of the year has had a specific focus on the relationships in my life.  Relationships with friends, family, and potential lovers.

I feel like I have gone through a cleanse.  It has been painful, and I still struggle and crave the toxic relationships that I had in my life, but I know it is for the better.  Additionally, I find myself spending more time nurturing existing relationships and easing into new ones.  Much of my effort goes into this, but this steady work flow on these relationships seems so much more fulfilling and more stable.

I'm finished with:

• chaotic
• extreme
• unstable
• distrustful
• unsafe

I want powerful bonds that I can trust in; to be sure that the daily effort put in, is resulting in a healthy maintenance, and eventual growth of a bond between two people.

Perhaps this is based off of zen principles.  Approaching my friendships and relationships in this way seems so much cleaner.  We leave a path of communication open based on what is comfortable and there is no jumping back and forth.. and very little clutter.  Then, this allows as to live in that present moment and enjoy it for what it is and what we know each other to be.

We thought we were through...

So any announcements on the horizon, but so little that I am allowed to make or say. :(

Traveling, you thought that you and I were in for a break, but I had both of us fooled.  I may not be one for holding and grasping romantic relationships, however my wanderlust in professional and personal life never ceases to amaze me. This big trip involves a stop in London and then a destination on a continent that I have never been too....

Face it.

The people you surround yourself with are a huge determinant in your happiness.  They can inspire you, hold you back, hold you accountable, or let you linger in your unhappiness.  Choosing the people that bring the best out of you and challenge you to be a better person with every life move that you make will change your perspective and motivate you.

Choose wisely.