Well, I'm an idiot

I should have maintained radio silence, but I didn't, so I got blackout drunk. I have not been that drink since freshman year of college.

I talked about my life, my friends. She told me about her amazing new relationship.

I guess, I am just not lookking for someone new, I never was, I just wanted more friend time. Now I am getting it. It doesn;t help that I ended up at some person's house I didn't know.. with swords.

But thank god, Claire brought me curry and Lindsay slept over with me last night. If you ever want me to cuddle as big spoon all night, get me blackout drunk.

Last night, I was that annoying white girl talking to her ex in a bathroom stall of a bar. Last night, I got to hear how much she loved her new gf as I cried in front of a quarter of the 1L class.  She kept saying her name like I knew her new gf. I don't want to know her name. I don't want to know about trips you go on together.

Why did you want to talk to me if you don't care? If you knew it was over in October? WHy did you stay?

And then she blocked me, I have never had a relationship end this way. It is over. She ended it last night. We can't be friends. My friends would never go about it this way. Clare was selfish, but she never crossed that line. She never just shut me down and told me about the new person she was dating when we caught up.

I guess the dorm room goodybe was our last real goodbye.

Thank god, I have great friends.

AHHHHHH!!

So I have this awesome poet friend, Meg Day...

and she is friends with this amazing human, Andrea Gibson. AND NOT ONLY IS SHE COMING TO SEATTLE BUT SHE IS HAVING A SPOKEN WORD WORKSHOP NEAR PORTLAND...


AND
AND
AND


I GOT A PERSONAL INVITATION.

I JUST DIED. I AM DEAD.

Selma

Tonight I went to see Selma with Kurt. As I watched the film, so many things hit me hard in the face. I have been so selfish for the past year and a half. I came to law school to help in the struggle––to aid in the recognition of people's rights, and I have made so much of this experience about me. I've dropped so much direct action and direct work.

I didn't participate in the actions for Ferguson or Eric Garner. I let my sadness control me. I let my anger overcome my kindness.

My need for comfort was more important than the cause.

Because most of all––this work was never about me. It's not about me. My priorities have been so messed up.

Damn, time to pick myself back up to engage in this community. So many people throughout history have put their lives, and personal desires, to the side for the cause of equality. They knew sacrifice. They knew patience. They knew kindness.

How can people deny the actions of the justice system are not a direct reflection of historical racism?

First Email of the Day:

Of course! You do realize that  - Debora *****, Michelle ****** and I will.be sitting together and wearing tiaras. Put me down for 2 tickets.

Sent from my Windows Phone

It is going to be a great Wednesday...

Wow, I feel like I got hit by a bus. Tried to get up for cycling this morning and my body would not move.

Last night I had a great convo. I have a tendancy to run...

Don't run.

Don't run.

You need to face this and then let it pass.

Blogs are great, because I do not have to be profound. My recent posts have been somewhat shallow, but hey, in order to not text my ex, I text or call my friends.

They are getting so much love these days.

AND.

AND.

So is my blogging sphere.

Because When it's over.. it'll be over

Boo! My computer will not upload the State of the Union. And I missed the Foster Care Walk because I was stuck on the bus.

I think I need to get back to the daily grind, but I am enjoying the ride of putting it off.

I can't wait till I stop cycling from intense anger towards my ex to sadness and nostalgia. It is no fun. I just know that when that stops, the feelings will be gone forever, and I won't want to associate with her ever again. I have never felt this hurt in love. When this is over, it is really over. Our last goodbye will be in a college dorm. Our last real interaction ever. I can feel I'm on the verge. I know myself well enough that I won't engage when this is over. And that makes me sad.

It won't be like Clare... because our relationship wasn't as deep as mine and Em's.

But was it deep? I can't tell if I imagined it all anymore. It feels so distant, yet painful.