Running from Composure

* Warning: This post is going to be raw.

When the term family is in question, I run emotionally cold. Especially after the last five years.

So, I'm sorry that you think you are in love, because I'm not. I tried to tell you I can't.

While I was in college, my younger brother broke my father's jaw in two places. My father had his jaw wired shut for 2 months.  The only caloric intake he had was from liquids through a straw because he couldn't open his mouth wider than that. It got infected.

Did I go home to help? No. I visited, but didn't spend more than 8 hours with him.

My little brother od-ed on heroin and was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. He was in the hospital for days.

I drove to Salt Lake City to see my sister.

My cousin od-ed on heroin Christmas morning. People used to think that we were twins.

I haven't talked to him since then.

My nephew was put into foster care, and my older bother and his girlfriend were sent into rehab.

I've only seen my nephew 3 times.

He got cancer. She fell down the stairs. He went to prison. He was hospitalized for psychological issues. She through herself across the house. He publicly pleaded for help for his life. She lives in a tent.

And when I was sitting in your living room, after he got bailed out of jail, I begged you not to give him money. I watched as his fists knocked the front door off of its hinges. I sat against the door keeping you both apart. And then I watched as he took pieces of your flesh out and ripped a handful of your facial hair out.

And I left. I went to college and talked about Hegel. I lived in a house more concerned with the amount of sodium in the food, and whether someone was vegan/vegetarian than someone's character.

In the process, I left my biological family, and let my ride-or-die made family think I didn't give a shit about them.

Man, I feel all kinds of shitty guilt right now.

In the night, or should I say more specifically at 3am, I write randomly in journals about the intersectionality of sociological theory and the acquisition and transfer of knowledge.  Then I proceed to write emails to the professors that taught me well.  I was so said that the best theorist teachers left after my sophomore year of college.  I think my last twp years of college would have been incredibly different if they had stayed.

I'm Wearing it

In the middle of the night, i make collages. They encircle every thought that I have about you.  Takes them and morphs them into dreams and ideas for a future reality.

Collecting social norms and disposing them in obscene gestures. It is just knitting, but the embroidery is swear words. It is just sewing, but the stitches are my silence. Yes, the silence that once kept that garment of inequality together is now what is creating my costume for activism. Standing up, clothed in recognition of the experiences that strengthen my claims for freedom.

You Can Learn to Dance

Even when the rhythm doesn't seem right or you took a long break in swaying your body in any kind of way.

I'm learning how to dance again. Dancing in a new way to a new tune.  I need to find a different atmosphere, but I will find it.  Then I will put my right foot out and let the rest of my body follow.

I will dance orange.

Fierce and without remorse.

My moves will burn bold.

I will dance red

Legs effortlessly intertwined in a battle for space

Lighting the dance floor of my life.

Link My Day

Tonight I went here: Sol Collective
And did some of this: Activist Art
By these lovely ladies: WORD

Adventure Time

Well, my flight to Portland turned out not to be as productive as I would have hoped.  I sat next to a woman who worked for the Horizon airline and she gave me a tour of Oregon from the sky.  The view of Crater Lake was amazing. Unfortunately, I was too embarassed of my excitement to take a photo.

When I landed in Portland I took the MAX light rail to downtown in order to catch the Greyhound to Seaside, but when I arrived I realized that there were no other buses headed to the coast that day.  As such, I was stranded in Portland.  Walking around the city, I stumbled upon the food trucks and had some friendly conversation.  The people of the Pacific Northwest are a rare and kind breed. It was delightful.  While waiting for someone to drive the 120 miles from the coast, I had a conversation with a man on the steps of a Korean Church.

So in the end, I didn't write a comprehensive blog post on anything in particular, but I had a great adventure.

Forward, Backward Chroniciling

As I am unable to sleep and walking around this late in this neighborhood may alert suspicion, I am giving myself over to chroniciling my thoughts.  (Writing the word 'chroniciling' is like endeavoring on a challenge only to find you've mistakenly mastered it.)

There are a few things I have been thinking about lately:

1. How healthy relationship education could be integrated into public systems of education
2. Appropriation of culture vs. Showing respect/admiration/being an advocate
3. The impact that fiscal constraints can have on social anxiety

3. If people realized how to appropriately spend within their means, with an intent to save for emergencies, either people would cease to buy so many material objects OR people would become respective hermits. Within the last 12 months, I became a hermit with occasional outings.  I also looked at work travel as personal travel experiences. (NOT THE SAME). Massive burn-out ensues and this is not a great attempt at work/life boundaries.

2. Seriously, FUCK some activists. Appropriating an issue for your personal ego gain to add to your resume as an advocate is annoying. Shut up. I don't value your opinion. I also don't value picking out a small detail of an issue and inflating it to be larger than the main issue at hand. TOUCHE, you may make some valid arguments, but the inability to engage in a knowledgeable manner on important issues makes me seek other avenues for social change and news.

1. Do you think its possible to use best practices in the field of youth development to begin healthy relationship classes or training for educators in primary education?  And to get really specific, could we implement youth development principles into education credentials for teachers?
Ahh, teaching with a focus on expertise in material and facilitation of learning based on the foundations of youth development.  Well that would be splendid.