A little umph in those relationships.

Relationships are one of the working areas that I consistently focus energy on improving.  After I graduated from college, I made this a priority.  Throughout college, I watched as my friendships grew into fruitful exchanges.

Currently, I am focusing on learning how to appreciate and value the other person. One of the advocacy and training projects that I have worked for used this technique and I saw how beneficial it was to the community.  Participating in this dynamic inspired me to incorporate it into my daily life, and make sure it was an integral part of my relationships.  I put a lot of value on a romantic relationship, and when that investment gets very little return, or I feel like my warmth is merely being absorbed, instead of expanding on the warmth between people, I start to feel drained.  That is when conflict arises.  I have learned at the moment that I feel drained, that that is a moment where I need to walk away because it isn't a healthy situation.

Maybe this could be more beneficial if I was able to determine this at an earlier point of relationship formation, but this is the current limit to my personal awareness.

I put so much weight on the relationship and it's functionality, that how I feel about it can overtake my willingness to engage with work, friends, and personal hobbies and passions. I am committed not to let this happen again. Committed to making sure that I never overlook the positive mainstay people in my life that want to be supports for me.

And now I can see it, recognize it, and walk away before I get mired.

My survival mechanism has been the ability to walk away.  To let the past live in the past and leave it there.  It is not a fault, it is an asset.

A little thought on flaws.

 Once you have accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you. And when you get there, you can rejoice in all of your strengths, and find humor in your flaws.  Instead of a barrier, they become ways of appreciating your humanity and allow you to relate to other people.

And to add a little bit of my home additions... this is what I spent 2 hours putting on my wall tonight after the training for trainers retreat.

 This was the view from the retreat center that we stayed at this weekend in Applegate, CA.  I wish I was not so averse to the cold weather, because I may have been able to appreciate it more.

Youth Engagement

Retreats are great ways to really engage with group dynamics. I love them and here is why....

We do a poetry workshop where you are given a title of a poem, and you write the first line and then everyone else in your small group adds a line.

Here is the one I started with:

In my dreams
People I know become
My heroes
The leaders who have shaped me into the woman I am today.
Knowing that I will be strong
I keep my head up
And fill the world up
With encouragement
And I rest, in their world.

- CYC members and staff collaborative 

Unconditionally Love My Beautiful Ugly

Some days are greatly enhanced by some very real spoken word.  There are days when I just need someone to break something down honestly, when I do not have the power or voice to do it myself.  Spoken word is an artistic tool that I connect with easily, yet deeply.  Although I have never tried it myself, I would really like to try. I wonder if I can find a workshop in the greater Sacramento area...

Working on that now.

Restorative Justice

When you lay down for a nap and wake up 12 hours later, I think it is valid to say that you were paying back some sleep debt.  I had some really ambitious dreams to go to the library and get my library card, change my address on my online dmv account, and do some planning for South Africa. All of which went to the wayside in order for me to get some optimal dream time in.

My new apartment is starting to come together, I am going for a minimalist, playful, zen theme and I am not sure how that is going to turn out, but searching for the pieces has bolstered my independence, while being a great adventure.

Yesterday, I cam across an article in the New York Times titled "Can Forgiveness Play a Role in Criminal Justice?". The piece documents what a Restorative Justice process could look for the parties involved when a harm is done by someone to another. Rather than proceed to attempt to rectify the wrongs done by the traditional justice system this process brings the victim and the wrong-doer into one process in order to seek a decision to address the wrongs and hold the wrong-doer personally accountable.

If you choose to read the piece, you can see how emotionally charged it is at times and how the process is deeply personal for those involved.  Having been through one of these processes myself, and having sat in a circle for seven hours, I can say that it is draining and emotionally charged on all sides of the circle.  The moderator should be highly trained and everyone going in as a support should be prepped, because even they will have strong emotional reactions to the restoration process.

But I think it can work. I know it can.  The pain from an injustice isn't fully healed from this process, or maybe not at all, but it is a step....

Awaited verse of prose

Over my pause in blogging I had the chance to somewhat channel my feelings about heroine.  Especially since we had a very real emotional interaction on Christmas morning.  I use the feminine pro-noun, because I imagine that if heroine were to somehow materialize in human form, it would be an overly sexualized biological female.  However, this could just be my personal perception. This is the skeleton of something I am trying to flesh out right now.

When I was five, I looked for you in corners of my mother's bedroom
like I looked for hidden Christmas presents.
Searching through her drawers, I found you in the make-up bag
Encased in flowers, I still didn't like how you were wrapped in tin foil.
Seeing them laugh, cry
I thought our face to face introduction would be more pleasant
In the moment that I found you. I wanted to destroy you.
Why was I different?

Why was I different,
As you raced through his veins
As you danced in his eyes that faced toward the back of his skull
As she took a gun and merrily threatened our existence.

And this is the point where I realize that poetry is not my strength and I choose to revert back to prose.

Heroine, I used to look for you like you were purposefully hidden.  I sought you out.  And then I ran. I ran from a 13 year old boy who thought you were his dearest friend. Ran from the spotlight you put on us. 3.000 miles and you still disorient my direction at times.

And now on Christmas morning, you present yourself.  I don't look for you anymore in my mother's possessions.  Is that why you replaced the gifts of this time with your presence?

(This is still a work in progress and I am trying to work it out within myself. )

Some Lessons from 2012

Thinking back on this year really pulls up a lot of emotions for me. 2012 has been, by far, the most noteworthy year of my entire life.  In terms of great, monumental, and challenging experiences and opportunities. I've gained new relationships, ended unhealthy relationships, and cultivated meaningful connections to those who inspire and comfort me on a daily basis.  I also moved into my first real, adult studio apartment on the last day of 2012.

My biggest take-aways from this year are:

• Transition.  Life is all about change.  The more willing you are to accept that change and find some sort of routine and comfort in it, the easier it will be on you.  If a situation is too painful and you cannot feel growth, make steps to enact a change of your own accord.  Transition is natural... unless you are so beholden to a certain condition of life that you are unwilling to let go.. but even then, life changes ad when your attitude doesn't, you get stuck and become resentful.  Some circumstances are not under your control, but your reaction and your mindset are. If you take control of those things, it is almost as if you are taking control of the transition in your life.
• Express your gratitude to be alive to those surrounding you. When you are nice and go out of your way to help strangers, you will find they are more likely to do the same for you.  If you look for the good in people, more often then not, they will show it to you.  Overlook some negative things, not everyone is on their A game all of the time.  When you show acceptance, you will personally feel the difference and will get rid of that negative energy faster. AND, when you tell those around you and that you love, how much they mean to you will feel that love returning back to you. Rejoice in their good qualities, because they bring out the best qualities in you. 
• Loving your job is just as important as loving your personal life.  Make your space and find places where you can show your strengths instead of hem and haw over your weaknesses.
• You don't always have to be happy or feel accomplished, but when you recognize that you are stagnent and unhappy with it, you can work and make that different. Ambition can come in waves and that is okay.
• If a relationship is unhealthy for you, it is unhealthy for everyone who is touched by that relationship. Walk away.  You don't need an excuse.  

If you would have asked me last year where I would picture myself, it wouldn't be here and things have changed that I thought were steadfast pillars in my life.  Yet, right now, I know that this is where I am supposed to be.  I am excited to start a new chapter and to learn and grow within an area of stability that I have never known before.