Awaited verse of prose

Over my pause in blogging I had the chance to somewhat channel my feelings about heroine.  Especially since we had a very real emotional interaction on Christmas morning.  I use the feminine pro-noun, because I imagine that if heroine were to somehow materialize in human form, it would be an overly sexualized biological female.  However, this could just be my personal perception. This is the skeleton of something I am trying to flesh out right now.

When I was five, I looked for you in corners of my mother's bedroom
like I looked for hidden Christmas presents.
Searching through her drawers, I found you in the make-up bag
Encased in flowers, I still didn't like how you were wrapped in tin foil.
Seeing them laugh, cry
I thought our face to face introduction would be more pleasant
In the moment that I found you. I wanted to destroy you.
Why was I different?

Why was I different,
As you raced through his veins
As you danced in his eyes that faced toward the back of his skull
As she took a gun and merrily threatened our existence.

And this is the point where I realize that poetry is not my strength and I choose to revert back to prose.

Heroine, I used to look for you like you were purposefully hidden.  I sought you out.  And then I ran. I ran from a 13 year old boy who thought you were his dearest friend. Ran from the spotlight you put on us. 3.000 miles and you still disorient my direction at times.

And now on Christmas morning, you present yourself.  I don't look for you anymore in my mother's possessions.  Is that why you replaced the gifts of this time with your presence?

(This is still a work in progress and I am trying to work it out within myself. )

Some Lessons from 2012

Thinking back on this year really pulls up a lot of emotions for me. 2012 has been, by far, the most noteworthy year of my entire life.  In terms of great, monumental, and challenging experiences and opportunities. I've gained new relationships, ended unhealthy relationships, and cultivated meaningful connections to those who inspire and comfort me on a daily basis.  I also moved into my first real, adult studio apartment on the last day of 2012.

My biggest take-aways from this year are:

• Transition.  Life is all about change.  The more willing you are to accept that change and find some sort of routine and comfort in it, the easier it will be on you.  If a situation is too painful and you cannot feel growth, make steps to enact a change of your own accord.  Transition is natural... unless you are so beholden to a certain condition of life that you are unwilling to let go.. but even then, life changes ad when your attitude doesn't, you get stuck and become resentful.  Some circumstances are not under your control, but your reaction and your mindset are. If you take control of those things, it is almost as if you are taking control of the transition in your life.
• Express your gratitude to be alive to those surrounding you. When you are nice and go out of your way to help strangers, you will find they are more likely to do the same for you.  If you look for the good in people, more often then not, they will show it to you.  Overlook some negative things, not everyone is on their A game all of the time.  When you show acceptance, you will personally feel the difference and will get rid of that negative energy faster. AND, when you tell those around you and that you love, how much they mean to you will feel that love returning back to you. Rejoice in their good qualities, because they bring out the best qualities in you. 
• Loving your job is just as important as loving your personal life.  Make your space and find places where you can show your strengths instead of hem and haw over your weaknesses.
• You don't always have to be happy or feel accomplished, but when you recognize that you are stagnent and unhappy with it, you can work and make that different. Ambition can come in waves and that is okay.
• If a relationship is unhealthy for you, it is unhealthy for everyone who is touched by that relationship. Walk away.  You don't need an excuse.  

If you would have asked me last year where I would picture myself, it wouldn't be here and things have changed that I thought were steadfast pillars in my life.  Yet, right now, I know that this is where I am supposed to be.  I am excited to start a new chapter and to learn and grow within an area of stability that I have never known before.  

A Stanza of Heroin

Opiates and I have a history. We were family members, and more often then not, the family member that was preferred to me. Specifically, the opiate of great familial presence was heroin. Heroin took the place of me in my immediate family as a daughter and a sister.  There is a lot of resentment between me and this drug.  Reminders of this drug, and other strong opiates, cause me to revert to a place of trauma and make the holidays really difficult for me to manage in the presence of others.

Well, hey, what are the scientific signs of herion abuse and its effect on users:

Livestrong.com states them as so... "Heroin abuse can cause drastic physical changes in the user. One telltale sign of heroin abuse is the presence of needle marks on the arms, legs or feet. "Nodding out" (appearing to fall asleep suddenly) is a sign of acute heroin intoxication, as are dilated pupils and slurred speech. Changes in weight and sleeping patterns are also common among opiate abusers. 

Some users may neglect personal hygiene and nutrition, causing them to appear disheveled or disoriented. Pale skin and dark circles under the eyes can also signal a heroin abuse problem.

Many users appear lethargic or unmotivated and may have unpredictable mood swings. Cognitive functions like memory and problem-solving are often impaired, which may cause frustration for the user. Symptoms typical of depression, such as loss of interest in hobbies and lowered sex drive, can also signal heroin abuse. Some users report an increased craving for sweets, which may lead to excessive sugar consumption and weight gain.

Heroin users often lose interest in previous friends and hobbies in favor of getting high with fellow addicts. Previously ambitious, self-motivated people may become unmotivated and neglect things like personal hygiene. According to Heroinabuse.us, a decrease in performance, such as a drop in grades or work attendance, can sometimes signal heroin abuse. Financial troubles often lead heroin abusers to request money, food or other forms of assistance from loved ones and may even drive users to commit crimes in order to maintain their habit."

Article Here

 Growing up in the midst of it, I didn't understand the motivations behind drug use and I always wanted to live a life that was separate from the pain and despair that it caused. Thus, I am also grateful that herion allowed me the chance to escape, and grateful that I was placed into foster care at the age of 13.

Serving as a divider between my loved ones and I, herion launched me into exploring the sociological theories or how people interact with culture, economy, and governing structures. From a young age, I debated the place that mind altering substances had in interpersonal and intrapersonal interactions. But it also makes me revert to a child when confronting family or those who have harmed me while on the substance.  Because of my experiences, I never experimented with hard drugs and I will not associate personally with anyone who uses it. 

I feel some poetic attachment with herion.. where I draw my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. 

Podcasts

Road tripping with co-workers is the best.  We did not listen to any music on the way from San Francisco to Eureka, but I was gently introduced to the world of podcasts and audible books.  It is great to listen to technology podcasts instead of having to read about them myself.  These will come especially in handy, because it is looking like my working life will become one that is primarily based around traveling.

Podcasts are a great way to have a lesson in something when you are preoccupied with doing something else, or don't wish to engage with other people.

First Round of Cities

Over the weekend, I had the chance to make my first round of an anticipated many of three great cities with some great company.  Sacramento, Oakland, and San Francisco have so much to offer when it comes to people and opportunities to engage in youth advocacy work.

Pooling on those resources and starting to brainstorm smarter ways to travel, as well as ways to document and organize that travel. Ready. Set. Go.

Before the movie, the book

My ability to devour a book in its entirety in one day is truly a gift sometimes. Albeit, I wish I was slower with some books to truly take in every sentence.  However, i suppose not every sentence has meaning.

A few weeks ago, I was intent on watching The Perks of Being A Wallflower.  This plan failed because of some very unfortunate events, and I choose to wallow in those instead of watching a boot-legged version that my friends and found on the internet.  In the heat of the last few weeks, I forgot about the film. This was until I decided to check out a book club that was reading the perks of being a wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.  Last night, before heading to the roller rink for some down time, I picked the book up from Barnes and Noble.

I AM SO GLAD I DID.  Now, I am excited to see the film interpretation of the book.  Yet, I am fully aware that it will not be the same.

For some reason, I have been dreaming about people I knew in high school lately.  These are never particularly fond dreams, as I was an outcast, especially during my junior and senior years.  Or maybe that was the first time I was able to be vocal about it.  This book sheds light on some of those issues, and how high school can truly be formative years for the development of a person's personality.  High school isn't as profound as college and the course material did not serve to make me an enlightened individual, college did that.  But high school made me realize a lot about people and the social dynamic of people functioning in groups.  I will carry those lessons with me forever.

Making a Relationship Zen

I've heard post-graduation, that life was full of ups, downs, and curves.  The decade between 20 and 30 is a building block.  This year is proving to be a year of challenge and growth.  When I was speaking to one of my mentors on the phone while I was in Salt Lake City, she said, "It doesn't get easier, it just gets different."  2012 has been different, and the latter part of the year has had a specific focus on the relationships in my life.  Relationships with friends, family, and potential lovers.

I feel like I have gone through a cleanse.  It has been painful, and I still struggle and crave the toxic relationships that I had in my life, but I know it is for the better.  Additionally, I find myself spending more time nurturing existing relationships and easing into new ones.  Much of my effort goes into this, but this steady work flow on these relationships seems so much more fulfilling and more stable.

I'm finished with:

• chaotic
• extreme
• unstable
• distrustful
• unsafe

I want powerful bonds that I can trust in; to be sure that the daily effort put in, is resulting in a healthy maintenance, and eventual growth of a bond between two people.

Perhaps this is based off of zen principles.  Approaching my friendships and relationships in this way seems so much cleaner.  We leave a path of communication open based on what is comfortable and there is no jumping back and forth.. and very little clutter.  Then, this allows as to live in that present moment and enjoy it for what it is and what we know each other to be.