Oh no!

When my alarm went off at 5:30 this morning, I just lied there and thought. No, no, no. I cannot be sick. I am going to Africa in 7 days. Please. Alas, no amount of universal begging would reverse what was biologically going on in my body, so I took a large dose of Robitussin and began hitting my snooze button until 8am. Nope, I was not going to be able to make it to work, I need to take some more medicine and rest.

Answering emails was fine until about 10am when I started to have lucid dreams and my spelling turned into whimsical languages from a different land. And then I slept, all day. Thankfully, I think this has done the world of good for me and will be up and chipper tomorrow.

Which brings me to the real reason why I decided that I needed to post in my self-proclaimed internet journal: Innate Joy for someone else's development and growth.

I just received a text from one of the youth that is engaged in some of the activities that I help coordinate. Just this sentence alone is profound. She texted me! This means that she has a phone! And she wanted to check in and let me know!! What?! I felt so proud and happy for her.  Is this what a mom feels like? I keep thinking, oh wow this will open doors and create opportunities for her future. Could I write a letter of recommendation for her one day?  How do you write a letter of recommendation?  What assets would I focus on and highlight?

Yes, this is a big jump. But I was so happy that I couldn't contain myself. I really love this transition that I am in. I like this change of thought. It gives me so many more reasons to find joy.

An Excerpt

This is an excerpt from a short story that I read in the middle of the night last night. Sometimes, my anemia cause me to pass out at 6:30 and then I wake up at 2am and read essays.  

"I’ve told a lot of harrowing stories about those four months in Indonesia, but this is the part I always leave out, the detail that undoes the narrative I’ve spent the better part of my adult life trying to construct: Throughout it all, I was in pain. Throughout my entire adult life, in fact—eleven years—I’ve been in varying degrees of it, sometimes crippling, other times a low hum that has become the background noise of my life. Either way, it’s burrowed so deep in me that it has become one of the most defining parts of myself, the origin of every desire and every fear, the place I spend the majority of my energy either tending to or ignoring. At 21, when I was diagnosed, I flew home to California for a year to recover, but in those three intervening years between my diagnosis and this misguided volcano hike, I hadn’t gotten much better. My life, once full of ambition, had slowed, but, before this trip, I still thought of myself a certain way, thought, this isn’t really my life—I’m just on a break. I still felt like I could be the author of my own story. But pain, as Melanie Thernstrom says in The Pain Chronicles, rewrites us. And to admit that pain had rewritten me felt like an unforgiveable failure, an admittance of shame."- The Art of Omission by Simone Gorrindo 

Saturday Sale Searching

I really love doing things in a quirky way.  Instead of driving while doing my Saturday sale searching I decided to drive. GREAT DECISION! I find that life can be boring if you do not open yourself up to the more difficult or less popular option. Albeit, I did not realize how far my walk was going to become or how I couldn't actually carry anything that I wanted to buy.

I'm getting sidetracked...

My point is that along my journey that I was beginning to think wasn't worthwhile, (Yes, even when I was very tempted by all the old lady blazers and flannel in GoodWill and did not buy anything because I was being prudent in anticipating my coming trip to South Africa) I found joy.  I left GoodWill and was walking down the street when I passed a homeless man.  People always tell me that making eye contact is dangerous, but I always make eye contact and respond when someone says something to me. I have never been harmed, and I think my openness actually disarms the other person with surprise. He smiled at me and extended his Capri Sun to me, and said "here you are".

I replied, "No thank you, but thanks for offering." Never stopping my calm stride.

He looked after me and said excitedly, "Thank you."

To which I turned my head and said warmly, "Have a great day sir."  He followed me with his eyes, a great smile, and a little chuckle.

What a guy.  In his offer, he showed such genuine kindness and joy, despite his position.  Sitting on a curb, eating what lunch he could gather or be given.  His actions speak to a natural human impulse to give as well as receive.  How amazing is it to be able to share that with someone.

I appreciated his offer even if I did not need a Capri Sun. He made my day.

Intentional Acts of Happiness

As I was walking home from work yesterday, I saw teenage twin sisters hanging upside down from a set of monkey bars playing patty cake.  Their red haired ponytails where swinging in the wind and you couldn't help but share in their joyous smiles as you walked by.  When I was walking by, a couple also passed on my laugh. We all looked at each other like we were sharing this moment of silliness and we would be embarrassed if our friends caught us taking pleasure in this.

Moments like this seem so contrived. Not the shared experience, but it was intentional silliness that was off the cuff. More often than not, I still derive a lot of pleasure from them.  I begin to think if something about it was artificial or wrong. And then I thought some more.. and decided that part of intentional living is finding and engaging in activities that you find joy in. The beginning moments are contrived at times, but that doesn't detract from the actual joy that life brings you.  There are moments when you have to put effort into performing actions that will illicit a response of happiness. Moments like this can happen spontaneously, but not always.

You can take the steps to live in intentional happiness, and that joy is real.

A Second Chance.

The energy that love invigorates you with is amazing. I guess I forgot for awhile, but then I lived today..

Finding symbolism in the things that surround me.. 

A hipster cafe that gave me flashbacks of Berlin...

And a perfectly lovely craft night... but now I have to address the envelopes.

Got a makeover today..

Thanks to having friends in make-up school...

I feel like I don't even look like myself, ha.

Loving my Free Days

Fortunately, I have had the privilege over the past two days to really engage in massive amounts of PBS documentary watching.  First, I go to POV, then on to Independent Lens, and maybe some Frontline or American Experience or America Revealed, however these "maybes" tend to be more on the conservative side.  If I don't have a lot of background knowledge in those areas I also feel like I need to do my own research so that I can make sure I am not receiving completely biased information.  On the whole though, POV and Independent Lens curb my craving for PBS informational documentaries.  Over the past few months they have been showcasing many films on Mexico, Central America, and South America, which I value because I haven't spent much, if any, time in these places.  The films give me a visual perspective on the news I am receiving.

It may be time to devour some of my library books while listening to the new Tegan and Sara album.

How funny is it that when you finally realize what you did wrong in love and how to make up for it, its too late...